


Got a Feeling we Should Just Go Home

by slugmutt



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hallmark Christmas Movie AU, Here there be tropes, Light Angst, Santa has weird Santa-magic, because why not, can't not have angst when Kylo is involved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-03-11 05:52:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13517913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slugmutt/pseuds/slugmutt
Summary: Spending the week before Christmas with sullen deputy-CEO Kylo Ren is the last thing on earth Rey wants to do.Going back to his hometown with Christmas-loving Rey in tow is the last thing Kylo wants to do.But with a little help from family, some holiday magic, and a stray blizzard or two, they might start seeing things differently.





	1. Make a wish

**Author's Note:**

> TLJ + hallmark Christmas movies + tequila = this fic

“No. No. No no no no, not a chance in hell, no.”

“Rey. We don’t have a choice.”

 Rey looked at her boss’s sincere expression, and felt vaguely sick. She couldn’t believe Luke, of all people, would ask this of her. She trusted Luke.

True, he was a little strange sometimes. She’d showed up for a meeting with him more than once only to find him sitting barefoot on the floor, “opening himself to the universe.” When the coding failed, he would sometimes insist on being alone in his office for days, saying it was penance for his sins. And he talked to his computer. Which wouldn’t be so strange in itself, but he seemed convinced his computer could talk back.

OK, maybe he was a lot strange.

But she’d never seen him throw one of his employees under the bus before. Until that moment, she wouldn’t have thought he could.

How could he expect this of her? How could he expect her to spend three days straight with Kylo freaking Ren?

“Look,” he said, soothingly. “I know Kylo can be a little, ah, temperamental – “

“Temperamental?” She tried hard not to scream. “Luke. He’s a _murderer_.”

He sighed. “Technically, breaking a computer isn’t murder.”

She couldn’t care less for technicalities. Ren had _destroyed_ her precious computer, BB8. She had built it herself, carefully choosing the best components, and he had smashed it until it was almost beyond repair. For no reason. He didn’t even know it was Rey’s computer. It was just another of his stupid temper tantrums.

She glared at Luke. “Imagine that had been R2-D2!” she hissed. Luke physically recoiled at the thought of any harm coming to his beloved desktop.

He let out a long sigh. “Look,” he said, uncharacteristically serious. “I know this isn’t something you want to do. I wish I didn’t have to ask. But this is really important. We need this.”

_Does it have to be Kylo?_ , she wanted to ask. But she knew the answer to that.

Their company, Coruscant, would have one shot at winning the Gepta account. They were lucky to have even that. The former general – and current incredibly successful businessman – had given them 15 minutes to convince him to let them handle his tech needs.

And while Kylo might be (scratch that, _definitely was_ ) a jerk, he was a talented jerk. With a bizarre knack for getting others to do his will. If anyone could land the account, it would be him.

And if anyone would need a babysitter while doing so, it would also be him. His fits of rage were a thing of legend. He could get the account – if he could avoid insulting the man to his face, or getting kicked out of the restaurant before the meeting, or getting into a bar fight the night before and spending the day in jail.

“Does it have to be me?” she asked instead. “Doesn’t he have handlers down in marketing?”

Her boss snorted. “Yes. Well. Apparently his assistant just quit.” Rey rolled her eyes, unsurprised. “But in any case,” he continued, “we need someone there who can explain the technical side of things. That would be you.”

For a moment, she couldn’t help being awed by his confidence. She’d done well under Luke’s supervision, quickly expanding her role from a low-level IT position. These days, she was already a senior member of the research and development team. Luke’s hands-off managerial style could be frustrating at times, but she couldn’t deny that where some bosses would have held her back, he’d encouraged her to grow. And now he thought she could handle meeting a top client?

It was an amazing opportunity. One that she couldn’t miss.

She sighed in resignation. “I had plans,” she moaned, half to herself.

Luke’s face brightened considerably at the tone of defeat in her voice. “It’ll only be three days,” he said, consoling. “And it’s a lovely town, you know. Crystal Pines.”

“You’ve been there?” she asked, surprised. From what he’d told her about the town – some tiny place in Maine - it didn’t sound like the kind of place more than a handful of people had ever visited.

For half a second, he looked as if he’d said too much. “Oh. Ah, yes. I went snowboarding there once.”

“You snowboard??”

“You’ll leave tomorrow,” he said, shutting down that line of conversation with his characteristic complete lack of subtlety. “And don’t worry, Rey. You’ll be back by the 23rd. So whatever plans you had for Christmas are still fine.”

*

Rey couldn’t help scowling as she left work.

It wasn’t really fair to be angry with Luke, she thought as she walked to the bus stop. Of course he had assumed that all she wanted was to celebrate Christmas on actual Christmas. It’s not like she’d told him she had a week of celebrations planned. And she wasn’t going to tell him. She knew it wouldn’t be reasonable, asking for a week off.

As she drew nearer to her stop, she slowed down for a moment to watch the people going into and out of the nearby shopping center. Children dragged their parents forward, eager to get inside and see Santa, the decorations, and of course, the toys. People of all ages walked out holding bags full of presents.

She sighed. No, she couldn’t fault Luke. He’d been perfectly reasonable.

It was just that Rey really, really loved Christmas.

It surprised her, how much she loved Christmas. It had always been the worst time of year for her growing up.

Every single day she’d been in the group home, she’d hoped against hope for someone to come take her. She’d been so damned sure that someday, a car would pull up, and a kind-faced couple would get out, and they would be there to bring her back home. And on Christmas, she’d hoped the hardest. Because Christmas was about love, and family, and wouldn’t that be the perfect day to come back for your baby girl?

They never did, of course. And the disappointment had nearly crushed her. For years, she’d hated Christmas because of that; hated it as the reminder of the one thing she wanted most, and could never have.

But slowly, things had changed. Growing up had helped. There was something to be said for the freedom to celebrate on your own terms. Including, of course, being able to eat as many candy canes as you wanted.

Finn and his mother had helped. And Poe, and Rose, and all of her other friends. It was impossible to stay angry with the world for long with Finn and Poe around.

Her hurt had gradually ebbed away, without her even noticing. Until one Christmas eve, four years ago, when she’d been drinking a cup of hot chocolate with peppermint prepared by Finn’s mom, and watching the two of them tussle over who would put the angel on top of the tree – Finn had thought he’d won, but then Poe had taken advantage of his distraction to tie his legs together with Christmas lights –and she’d found herself thinking, _I love this time of year_.

And from that moment on, Rey was openly, unabashedly crazy about Christmas.

She’d had so many things planned this year. And her friends, her ridiculous, wonderful friends, had been happy to go along with it. On Thursday, she and Finn were supposed to go shopping for Poe and Rose. On Friday, they were all going to buy and decorate a Christmas tree, and then bake cookies (she already had a tree for the living room, of course, but what was Christmas without a second tree for the balcony?). On Saturday, they were supposed to go ice skating and then drive up to Poe’s parents’ house for a small holiday party.

And now, instead of doing all of those wonderful things, she was going to be stuck in the middle of nowhere, with Kylo Ren, who would spend the whole time ignoring her. If she was lucky. 

“Hey,” said a voice from her right. “You OK?”

She looked up, and gasped. Because standing right next to her was none other than Santa Claus.

One of the mall Santas out on a cigarette break, of course. She might be unusually into Christmas, but she knew there wasn’t really such a thing as Santa.

He was thin, with olive-toned skin and kind dark eyes. His face was beardless, and it was hard to guess at his age – he could have been 30, or maybe 50. He didn’t look a thing like the usual mall Santas. But there was something about the look in his eyes. They were sad, and happy, and wise, and full of light.

“You look just like him,” she couldn’t help blurting out.

The man laughed softly around his cigarette. “Just like who?” he asked, eyes twinkling.

“Like Santa,” she said, embarrassed.

He laughed again. “It’s amazing how little I hear that,” he told her.

She tried to smile, but she had a feeling it fell flat.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, taking another drag.

Normally, she would hate to unburden herself on a stranger, but his concern felt unexpectedly genuine.

“I’m OK,” she said. “It’s just – I have a work thing, right before Christmas. It’s going to mess up my holiday plans.”

He smiled, sympathetic. “That’s hard,” he said.

She nodded, already feeling better. Maybe there was something in this “sharing your feelings” thing that Finn was always talking about.

“You want a wish?” he asked.

She blinked in surprise. “Excuse me?”

“A Christmas wish,” he said, as if it was a perfectly normal thing to say. Maybe to him it was normal. Mall Santas must be used to hearing all kinds of wishes.

She felt more than a little ridiculous, but he was looking at her expectantly, and she found herself saying, “I wish to be home for Christmas.”

To her surprise, he looked concerned. “You sure about that?” he asked. “Home’s a tricky concept, you know.”

Oh yes, she knew that. Better than most. “I’m sure,” she said, firmly.

“Well, if you’re sure,” he said, winking at her. “One ‘home for Christmas,’ coming up.”

“Um. Thanks,” she said, with a grin. And then she saw her bus turn the corner, and after taking a second to throw him a quick, “Merry Christmas!” over her shoulder, she broke into a run.

*

Ten minutes later, a tall man dressed all in black walked swiftly down the same road, scowling.

A pair of kind dark eyes watched him from the shadows.

“Hey,” a voice called. “You want to make a wish?”

The man in black pulled up short, whirling to face the speaker; then let out an aggravated sigh when he saw it was yet another mall Santa. “Do I want to what??”

“Make a wish,” the Santa said cheerfully. “For Christmas.”

Kylo Ren frowned. “A Christmas wish? Fine. I wish that I won’t have to suffer through this annoying fucking holiday anymore. Can you do that?” And without another word, he stalked off.

Santa stood in contemplative silence for a moment, then smiled. “Yeah,” he murmured to himself, “I can work with that.”


	2. Kylo the red-faced reindeer

Kylo stood in line at Gate 32 and thought about murdering Hux.

Thinking about murdering Hux wasn’t unusual for him. In fact, it was quickly becoming one of his favorite pastimes. The pompous bastard had been beheaded at least 20 times in his imagination.

But this time Hux had crossed the line. The next time he saw his fist plunging into the other man’s face, it wouldn’t be just a fantasy.

He had been explicitly clear. Explicitly fucking clear. And yet, somehow, Hux had managed to turn “there’s no way in hell I’m going to Crystal Pines with you, find someone else” into “Ren doesn’t think we’re both needed on this trip, Mr. Snoke, perhaps he could take someone from R&D instead?”

And then Snoke had been so creepily ecstatic at the thought of Kylo making the trip that there had been no way to back out.

So there he was, waiting in line for a plane to take him to the last place on earth he wanted to be. Surrounded by tired parents and small children, which meant the flight was sure to be a disaster. Meanwhile whatever R&D worker had been roped into the trip had yet to make an appearance.

Unless that was them, running over with just minutes to spare. But no, it was just some college girl in sweats carrying a ratty old backpack, and… waving to him?

His eyes widened in recognition, and it was all he could do not to let out a string of curses that would get him kicked off the flight before it started.

He was going to _murder_ Hux.

 *

He did not have a crush on Rey. He didn’t have crushes at all. Getting nervous around women, caring what they thought of him – those were things Ben Solo would have done. But Ben was gone, and Kylo knew better than to give anyone the power to hurt him.

He was willing to admit that Rey was interesting. He had noticed her rise through the ranks. She was easy to notice. So much strength, so much raw intelligence, in one small person.

Plus, she’d managed to destroy half a laboratory in a welding project gone horribly wrong. That would have been hard to miss.

Hux, of course, was incapable of understanding his interest. Come to think of it, he wasn’t sure Hux could understand the concept of one human being interested in another at all, under any circumstances.

If he had sent Rey, it wouldn’t have been because he knew Kylo appreciated her abilities. No, it would be his idea of a joke. Send the girl he thought Kylo wanted, and watch him squirm.

And if there was one thing Kylo would not tolerate, it was being mocked.

Hux was going to pay.

*

The morning just got worse and worse. The plane was half an hour late – and that, because they were being forced to switch planes. To one with no first class seating. Nothing but coach, in fact. He could feel his legs cramping just looking at the tiny seat they expected him to somehow fit into.

He was seated in front of some brat who kept kicking the back of his chair, because of course he was.

The lukewarm coffee was a disgrace to its name.

The in-flight movies were all heartwarming tales of Christmas joy.

Twenty minutes in, he realized the only way he was making it through the flight with his sanity intact was if he was unconscious. He grabbed a pill from the package in his bag, and – ignoring Rey’s appalled look – washed it down with a swig of whiskey from the small bottle in the lining of his coat.

In just minutes, he felt his headache receding as the harsh edges of the morning faded away.

 

He woke with a start to find Rey looking at him and smiling. No, not smiling. _Laughing_.

He sat up quickly, scowling. Had he drooled in his sleep. Talked in his sleep??

A member of the flight crew was making his way down the aisle. He smirked when he saw Kylo. “Cute,” he said.

With a sinking feeling, he pulled out his phone and looked at his face. And growled with rage.

 

It took him ten minutes in the airplane’s bathroom, scrubbing at his skin with cheap soap on rough paper, before it finally came off. He emerged pink-faced and furious.

Rey was completely engrossed in the in-flight movie when he came back. As if none of what had happened had anything to do with her.

He scowled, and unplugged her earphones. That got her attention.

“What?”

“What the hell was that?”

“Your face?” She shrugged. “Some kids were walking around bored, and decided you’d look better with some color. I think you were supposed to be a reindeer.”

He glared at her. “And you didn’t think to, I don’t know, do something?” he spit.

“I did do something,” she said, lightly. “I took pictures.”

For a moment, he saw red. “What the fuck,” he said loudly. A woman sitting ahead of them turned to glare.

She gave him a hard look. “You’re a dick, Kylo. You’re a dick at work, and now you’re being a dick on this flight. I’m sick of it. And if you don’t start acting polite for a change, I’m sending the pictures to Hux.”

He could feel fury burning in his veins, and it was all he could do not to start yelling. At the same time, he couldn’t help but be grudgingly impressed at her sheer audacity.

“Most people would watch their language when addressing the deputy CEO,” he warned her.

She looked unimpressed. “That _was_ me watching my language.”

“Listen, I don’t know who you think you are, but –“

“What’s Hux’s email again? You know what, I’ll just send it to everyone in marketing,” she interrupted, pulling up her work account.

“Wait!” He took a minute before speaking again, breathing slowly until his fists relaxed.

Hux would have a field day with those pictures. He’d be taking shit from that obnoxious bastard for months. To say nothing of what Snoke would do when he saw the pictures, which Hux would ensure he did.

As much as he hated the idea of letting some girl barely out of college tell him what to do – and he did, he hated it very much – it was clearly the better of his two options.

“That won’t be necessary,” he ground out.

She gave him a careful look, and put her phone away. “Good,” she said, all business. “I look forward to a peaceful three days, then.”

He bit back a retort, and sank back into the seat. He could be polite. He could be polite for three days, no problem.

…Of course, Rey’s standards of “polite” might be different from his own. She probably thought he’d been wrong to call the airline staff incompetent cretins, even though they clearly _were_. She probably thought he should have gently requested from the woman behind him to control her child, rather than telling the sniveling brat that life was pain and Santa wasn’t real.

She’d probably expect him to smile at people, and return their greetings. And in Crystal Pines, of all places.

Shit.

Hopefully, he and Rey would spend most of the next 72 hours avoiding each other. Because his only chance of making it that long without her catching him being “impolite” was if she wasn’t actually watching.

The whole thing was ridiculous. Her accusations were absurd. He could see how, maybe, some of his actions that morning could be viewed as rude. But at work?

He knew he was awful to Hux at work, but Hux was a terrible person who deserved everything he got and then some. And yes, he was unwilling to tolerate incompetence or stupidity. But Rey was neither incompetent, nor stupid, nor awful. He might not have been nice to her – he didn’t really do ‘nice’ – but he would have thought he’d have tried to treat her with respect. So why was she so angry?

“When have I ever been a dick to you?” he found himself asking, genuinely curious.

She stared at him like he was a complete idiot. “You _broke_ BB8,” she hissed at him.

He frowned. “BB8?”

“My computer!” she said, her voice getting louder. The woman ahead of them turned to glare again. “Do you seriously not remember that? Do you break so many computers that you can’t keep track anymore?”

Her words awoke a vague memory from several months earlier. He recalled Hux saying something about “damage to company property” in his most pompous voice, and Snoke waving it off, saying that rage was part of what drove every good leader. Hux had been in a terrible mood for the rest of the afternoon. It had been a good day.

Was it a computer that he’d broken? Might have been.

“Technically, that was company property,” he said.

She jabbed her finger forward as if stabbing the air. “This? Right here? This is you being a dick,” she said.

“What do you want me to do?” he asked, getting angry all over again. “It happened. It’s over. I assume the company paid for a new computer. Move on.”

“Apologize,” she demanded.

He stared at her, waiting for the punchline. Kylo Ren did not apologize. He couldn’t remember a time when anyone had even thought to expect him to. He could only imagine Snoke’s fury if he did. (“Apologize to someone, and you show them you are uncertain of your path,” his boss had warned  him once. “Apologize, and you give them the power to judge you.” He’d stared straight into Kylo’s eyes then, which was always an unsettling experience. “Do you want to give others power over you?” he’d demanded. It wasn’t really a question, not from Snoke.)

He opened his mouth to tell her just how absurd her demand was. And then – something came over him. A low hum filled his ears, and it felt as if he were floating. As if his body were no longer his; as if he was only a spectator to his own life.

And what he heard himself saying, with the mouth that was no longer quite his, was, “You’re right. It was an awful thing to do. I’m sorry.”

Rey stared at him, wide-eyed. _That was a joke,_ he wanted to shout. _I didn’t mean it._ But whatever bizarre force held him in its power wasn’t quite done with him, because he found himself unable to say a word.

She gave him a careful look, then her face broke into a smile. “Thank you,” she said, sincere. “I’m glad you said that.”

Kylo made one last attempt to operate his mouth, to no avail.

“I was able to rebuild him eventually,” she added, as if he might possibly have been worried. “It took weeks, though.”

“It won’t happen again,” Not-Kylo assured her.

“Thanks,” she said again, quieter, and then turned back to her movie, a faint blush on her cheeks.

Kylo came back to himself with a gasp of air. What in the name of every conceivable hell had that been? He looked wildly around, but nobody else seemed to have noticed anything out of the ordinary.

He took a moment to calm down. Body-snatching aliens weren’t real, he reminded himself. Mind control wasn’t real. Whatever had just happened, there must have been a perfectly logical explanation. Maybe it had been the pills. Maybe he should actually read the warning label on those things.

First things first, though. He had to undo the damage. He turned toward Rey, ready to say all the things he’d meant to say just moments earlier.

But as he looked at her, engrossed in the movie again, he suddenly wondered – was there really anything to fix?

He should never have apologized to her, of course. But she had accepted his apology. Whatever power he’d given her over him, she’d given it back.

And perhaps the apology would even make the rest of the trip smoother. Maybe now she’d be quicker to cut him some slack on the whole “don’t be a dick” thing.

The best approach, he decided, would be to do nothing. Well, that and to avoid mixing pills and alcohol. He hadn’t realized the side effects could be quite that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Santa ships it


	3. Alliance

“It’s beautiful,” Rey breathed.

The town of Crystal Pines looked like something out of a postcard, or maybe a movie set. Snowy hills surrounded a cluster of neat, well-built houses. A row of fat green evergreens stretched down the main street, decorated with millions of lights.  In the main square sat one massive tree, draped in tinsel and lights and topped by a star. Rey made a mental note to come back and see it after sundown.

Beside her, Kylo snorted in disgust. “It’s tacky.”

She looked over in surprise. It was the first time he had spoken to her since the airport, when she’d insisted on being the one to drive the rental car. He’d looked angry at the very suggestion – and then, suddenly, he’d smiled and agreed.

And then he’d looked furious with himself. Kylo Ren was a little strange, sometimes.

She gave him a warning look. _Be polite_.

He sighed. “But I hear some people are into that kind of thing.”

That would have to do.

She hummed to herself as she made a right turn.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

 “Just a quick stop,” she promised, pulling into the parking lot. They were just minutes from the hotel, with the whole afternoon ahead of them to check in and plan their approach at the meeting the next day. A short stop at the grocery store wouldn’t hurt.

“They’ll have food at the hotel.”

“They’ll have meals at the hotel,” she told him. “I need snacks.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m sure you can go a few hours without eating.”

She was silent. Of course she could go a few hours without eating. She could go a few days without eating. Could, and had. Which was exactly why she needed her own food; needed to know it was there, even if she never touched it.

She didn’t tell him that, of course. There was no way she was spilling her secrets to Kylo Ren of all people. She could only imagine what he would do if he smelled weakness.

“It will only take five minutes,” she said, pulling to a stop. “You can wait in the car if you want.”

She jumped out without waiting for a response. He followed suit with a long-suffering sigh, stepping smoothly out of the car and trailing after her. His long coat swirled around his legs as he walked, adding to a look that was both menacing and oddly graceful.

Not for the first time, she wished he could just be clumsy, or have a nervous stutter, or at least be a little shorter. Anything that would make him even a little less intimidating would be great.

The inside of the store was warm, well-lit, and bursting with decorations. Rey took a moment to appreciate the aisle signs draped with tinsel, the ginger-scented air, and the sound of “deck the halls” playing softly on the radio. Beside her, Kylo let out a quiet groan and slipped on a pair of sunglasses.

She tried to move quickly through the aisles, she really did. And in her defense, she was making good time until she got to the candy.

There were just so many kinds to choose from. She had to have candy canes, of course. The tiny chocolate Santas were adorable, but so were the peppermints with miniature Christmas trees printed in the center. And were those snowman-shaped marshmallows?

By the time she’d made her choices, she looked up and saw that he was gone.

She found him again in the frozen food aisle. To her surprise, he wasn’t alone. He was talking to a pretty black-haired woman in high heels, dark jeans, and a soft pink sweater that outlined her heavily pregnant stomach.

She paused, not wanting to interrupt.

“… ages since we’ve seen you,” the woman was saying. Rey frowned. Kylo had run into someone he knew in a random store in a tiny town in Maine? What were the odds?

He muttered something in response, and – there was the awkwardness she’d been hoping for earlier. His shoulders were hunched forward, and he looked slightly off-kilter, almost nervous. It didn’t make her as happy as she’d thought it might.

“Not that I blame you,” the woman said, giving him a smile that was a little too sweet. “I mean, after the fire and all. I can see why you wanted to get away.”

“That wasn’t me.” His voice was clear this time, with a hint of his usual confidence.

“I mean, I know that’s what you said,” she said, looking unconvinced. “ _I_ believe you. But most people think it was you.”

There was silence for a moment, the awkwardness so thick that Rey could feel it from where she stood.

“How have you been?” he asked.

“I’ve been doing well!” she chirped. “Greg and I got married last summer, maybe you saw it on Facebook… You’re probably not friends with anyone from our school though, are you.”

“Congratulations.” Rey had to stifle a snort of laughter at his tone. Only he could make that sound like an insult.

The woman hummed lightly, a casual noise which she somehow managed to make sound judgmental. “How about you, still single?” she asked, faux-sympathetic.

That was the point where Rey realized that no matter how she felt about Kylo, right then, she was on his side. The thing is, she knew that tone. She might not know this woman, but her type - she was far more familiar with her type than she would have wanted.

_(‘no date for the dance, Rey?’ and they’d laughed, because the thought that a boy could ever be interested in the girl they called ‘scavenger,’ that was hilarious… and then the year she finally did have a date, even if it was just Finn, and she had a real dress, too, not something from goodwill, and Amber cornered her in the bathroom and said, ‘it was nice of your brother to bring you, too bad that dress makes you look about seven years old’…)_

People like that made her furious.

Still, she wouldn’t intervene. He could handle himself. The last thing he’d want was her rushing in with her ratty old clothes and making things worse.

That’s what her brain had to say about it. But suddenly, her body didn’t seem to be listening to her brain. Because instead of staying the hell out of it like she should, she found herself walking determinedly over to Kylo, leaning up, and kissing him on the cheek.

He turned to her in absolute shock. She couldn’t blame him. If she’d been in control of her own face, it would have worn the same look.

But – no stopping now. Whatever force had possessed her to do this crazy thing, she was going to see it through.

“Hey, sweetie,” she said, giving him her sunniest smile. “I couldn’t decide between the marshmallows and the chocolates, so I got both, OK?”

(That was actually true. Rey’s love for Christmas candy was a powerful thing.)

“Um.” He stared at her, speechless. She stared back, trying to look reassuring. She could see the moment his decision was made.

“Yeah. Of course,” he said, and draped his arm around her shoulders. “Rey, this is Lomi, we knew each other at school.”

“Oh! Hi,” Rey said, holding out her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

The woman – Lomi – shook her hand quickly. “Hello.” Her smile was back, full and bright, but Rey had seen the sour expression on her face a moment earlier. She didn’t like Kylo having an ally.

“So. You were Kylo’s teacher?”

Lomi looked confused. “You mean Ben?”

Ben? That was a new one. But Rey was nothing if not able to roll with the punches.

She smiled, poisonously sweet. “You haven’t heard that it’s Kylo, now? You must not read the news.”

The other woman looked flustered. One point to Rey.

“Yes, well. Ben – Kylo – and I were classmates.”

“It must be weird for you that someone you knew from school is so successful,” she responded, with an innocent grin. _You don’t scare me, bitch_ , her eyes said.

Lomi was silent for a moment. It gave Rey just enough time to start appreciating how bizarre the situation was. She was cuddled up against _Kylo Ren_ , the jerk from marketing, the breaker of computers. He was evil.

He smelled really nice, though. And even through his sweater, she could feel that the guy was ripped. Punching things must be a good workout.

Lomi drew herself to her full height, and gave them a warm smile. Rey tensed.

“Well, I’m certainly glad to hear everything is going well for you,” she told them. “I’m so glad that you were able to put your past behind you.”

Rey opened her mouth to reply, but Kylo beat her to it. “Everyone’s past is behind them,” he said, mild. “That’s kind of the definition.”

Lomi looked like she’d swallowed a bug. For whatever reason, Kylo’s comment must have hurt. Before Rey could start to wonder at that, she gave them two of them a brittle smile, then walked away.

The moment she turned the corner, they both dropped their arms and stepped back as if they’d been burned.

“Sorry,” Rey blurted. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I have no idea what came over me.”

She expected him to look furious, but instead he just seemed confused. “Yeah, there’s been a lot of that going around,” he muttered.

“Who was she?”

“Just someone I knew from school,” he said, not meeting her eyes.

Rey frowned. “She’s awful.”

The corner of his mouth quirked up in half a smile. “I’d noticed.”

“Are… are we OK?” she asked. At his skeptical look, she added, “I mean, you’re not mad? You’re not feeling workplace harassed or anything?”

He snorted.

“I mean it. I should never have done that without asking you. It’s just – “ she scowled. “She was just being such a bitch.”

To her surprise, he smiled. “It’s OK,” he told her. “It’s just – Rey, there’s something you need to know-“

He was cut off by a voice. “Oh my goodness, Ben?? Is that Ben Solo?”

The owner of the voice, a tall middle-aged woman wearing steel-toed boots and a soft purple dress, pulled Kylo into a hug before he realized what was going on. Rey only wished she’d had her camera out; his face was worthy of another photo to be saved for Hux.

She released him a moment later, and turned to Rey. “And this must be the girlfriend that Lomi was telling me about. It’s lovely to meet you, dear.”

“Oh. Um, thank you, but I’m not - “

“Are you coming to the Christmas party tonight, then?” the woman interrupted, looking excited. “Is this a surprise?”

Before she could answer, Kylo shot her a warning look, and then nodded. “Yes,” he said, stilted. “That is what we are here for.”

She wasn’t sure it was possible for him to sound any less convincing if he tried. And yet, the woman in purple looked more than satisfied.

“Leia is going to be so happy,” she said, sounding almost on the verge of tears of joy herself.

Kylo looked pained.

“Don’t worry! I won’t say a word,” she promised. “I’ll see you there!”

She rushed off happily. Rey opened her mouth to ask what the hell had just happened, but he spoke before she could. “Don’t, OK? Just – we’ll talk about it in the car.”

Normally she’d bristle at being given orders, but he looked so upset she couldn’t help but listen.

They were stopped again on their way out, by a handsome older man who looked like he wasn’t sure whether to hug Kylo or kill him. He settled for a punch to the arm that was a bit too hard to be friendly. The man introduced himself as Lando, which she hoped was a nickname.

By the time they got back to the car, Kylo looked like he was in physical pain.

“What’s going on?” she demanded, as soon as the doors were shut. “Who were all those people?”

He ignored her in favor of punching the dashboard and letting out a truly impressive string of profanity.

She waited. “Igamufere,” he finally muttered.

She frowned. “What?”

“I grew up here.”

“You grew up here??” He lifted his head to glare at her, the lines of his face tight with anger, or maybe fear. “Sorry, I just always figured you grew up somewhere…“ _more like Mordor_ “- bigger.”

He groaned. “I wish I had.” He let his head flop forward, hitting the dashboard hard enough that it must have hurt.

She sat for a moment, chewing her lip. When she’d taken those pictures on the plane, she’d thought she finally found a way to handle Kylo; Kylo the arrogant jerk, who treated everyone around him like dirt. Now, she was seeing a new Kylo, one who was tense, unhappy. Uncertain. And she had no idea what to do with him.

“So are your parents here?” she ventured.

Even with his long black coat on, she could see his back tense. “Yes,” he muttered at the floor.

“Do you want to visit them? Because that would be fine by me, I could cover for you for a couple hours if – “

She was cut off by a noise almost like a laugh. “We’re both going to see my parents,” he said, straightening up. He looked half-manic. Rey gave him a worried look. “We’re going to their party,” he told her, “didn’t you hear?”

“We don’t have to,” she said, cautious. She knew nothing about his family – not that she expected to, they were hardly friends – but she’d seen enough in life to know that not every family was worth keeping ties with.

“Yeah,” he said, “we do. Unless you want to tell them what we’re really doing here.”

She let out a long breath. There was a reason they were meeting Gepta in the middle of nowhere. These talks were _secret_. 

“So you’ll go to the party,” she said, half to herself.

“ _We’ll_ go to the party,” he corrected her. At her questioning look, he said, “It would look weird if I went without my girlfriend.”

*

Rey had expected preparing for the meeting with Gepta to be awkward. She’d never talked to Kylo Ren one-on-one for more than a couple of minutes, and he didn’t exactly seem like the warm and friendly type. She’d imagined a meeting full of sullen silences and an arrogant refusal to cooperate.

As it turned out, though, working with him on the Gepta project was fine. More than fine, even. He walked through their talking points for the meeting with a calm, competent professionalism that had her finally understanding why the hell Snoke seemed to like him so much.

Discussing their strategy for the party, though? That was every bit as difficult as she’d expected, and then some.

She sat in his hotel room – he’d refused to go anywhere remotely public – and waited for him to give her some clue of how to convince his family they were dating.

For the first full minute, he just started into space. “Nobody’s going to believe you’re my girlfriend,” he finally said.

“Excuse me??” Yes, she realized that she wasn’t his usual type. She’d seen some of the women he’d brought to company functions; tall, glamorous women who looked almost as haughty and perpetually irritated as he did.

“It wasn’t an insult,” he said, surprised. Then added, quieter, “You’re too nice for me.”

“Oh,” was all she could say. He stared at the rug, the tips of his ears slightly pink.

“How about you start by telling me about your family,” she suggested.

In the minutes that followed, Kylo alternately ranted about his hometown, decided not to go to the party only to immediately reverse his decision, and glared silently at the wall. After half an hour, Rey took a break to grab a snack. She knew going to the grocery store was a good idea.

When she returned five minutes later with a bag of popcorn, he seemed calmer. “Look,” he said, without preamble. “All you need to do is show up, smile, and make sure I don’t punch anyone. Think you can handle that?”

She shrugged, throwing a piece of popcorn up and catching it. “I used to work for Unkar Plutt. Babysitting you? Not that big a deal, really.”

She watched his face as his outrage warred with his curiosity, and won. “I don’t need a babysitter,” he said, sullen. “I haven’t had a babysitter since I was fourteen.”

Rey almost choked on her popcorn. “Fourteen?” She couldn’t help a snort of laughter.

He glowered. “It’s not that funny.”

His sullen look just made her laugh harder. “It’s pretty funny,” she managed.

She’d been basically raising herself since age nine, and Kylo had had a babysitter when he was in high school. She had to laugh, or she would scream. He probably hadn’t had to so much as heat up his own pop tarts. No wonder he was used to having his way.

When she calmed down, he wasn’t as angry as she would have expected. In fact, he looked almost amused.

“It was Luke, you know,” he said, giving her a wry grin. “That’s who they would leave me with.”

“Luke - you mean, _my_ Luke?” she said, shocked. “ _Luke_ was your…”

This time he was prepared for the laughter, and just rolled his eyes and waited it out.

“Yes, Luke was my babysitter,” he said. She choked back a snort. “He’s my uncle, did you know that?” She shook her head. “Yeah, not something he likes to talk about.”

His tone at the end was bitter. His eyes were locked on a patch of carpet, staring as if it held the secrets of the universe.

“So,” she broke the silence. “Is he as bad with kids as he is with women?”

And then, Kylo did something completely unexpected. He laughed. OK, a small laugh, more of a chuckle, but still. Rey was glad she’d been sitting down, or she might have fallen over in shock.

“Worse,” he told her drily. “My mother stopped asking him to come after he threatened to kill me.”

Her mouth dropped open in shock. “Luke said that?”

He waved away her horror. “He wouldn’t have actually done it,” he said. “I don’t think.” He frowned.

“You see, this -” she said, waving an arm in his direction “- is what I need to know. You know, your uncle being my boss, that kind of thing. Those are the little details that are going to give our story some credibility.” She thought for a second. “It would be good to know about any other death threats, too.”

He snorted. “Trust me, if I get into all of my family dysfunction, we’ll be sitting here through Christmas.”

“So just give me the highlights,” she suggested.

He paused, looking torn. Rey fought her rising frustration. The situation couldn’t be easy for him, either. This morning they barely knew each other, and now she was asking him to share his secrets.

“My parents sold me as child labor for drug money,” she blurted out. His head snapped up. She could feel herself turning red. She could count the number of people she’d told that little story to before on two fingers. “I’m just saying, whatever you need to tell me? I won’t judge. I’m the last person who can call someone else’s family dysfunctional.”

His dark eyes were on her, considering. Measuring. And then he smiled. A full, genuine smile, that had the effect of making him look sweet, almost shy. All she could think was, _holy shit, no wonder he gets women to date him_.

“Thanks,” he said, quietly. And then, “OK, so let’s start with my grandparents. Padme and Anakin. You might know him by his mob name, Vader?”

Rey couldn’t stop a small gasp.

He gave a wry smile. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. OK, so after he killed her, my mom and Luke were split up…”

Rey sat back, her popcorn forgotten, and listened.


	4. Party

Kylo faced the mirror, and tried to look happy.

_You want to be here. You’re glad you came. It’s so good to see everyone._

Nothing. If anything, Mirror-Kylo looked more depressed than ever.

_Fine. Forget ‘happy to be here.’ Just think about the sale. Think how happy Snoke will be when we sign._

Still nothing.

_Think of Hux getting hit by a steamroller._

This time Mirror-Kylo almost managed a smile. “Mom, Dad. It’s good to see you,” he said.

Well, fuck. He sounded about as enthusiastic as a prisoner being taken to execution.

He sighed. He could only hope Rey was far, far better at acting than he was.

“Are you almost ready for the – ahh!”

He whirled around at the sound of Rey’s voice, just in time to see her turn quickly away from him. “Can’t you put on a shirt or something?” she complained.

“It’s my room,” he pointed out. She didn’t have an answer to that, but he could see the hint of a pout on her face.

And more than a hint of a blush on her cheeks. He allowed himself a small, self-satisfied smirk as he pulled on his shirt.

“Did you need something?”

She shook her head, still not looking at him. “Just wanted to see if you were ready.”

He turned back to the mirror and reached for his tie. “You look nice,” he told her.

She looked more than nice. Her black skirt and green sweater were nothing special – well, not special compared to the clothes he normally saw at parties; the fact that Rey was in a skirt was, he thought, nothing short of a miracle. But she looked stunning all the same.  

“Thanks,” she said, softly, breaking him out of his thoughts. She was back to looking at him, now, but she was still blushing.

“So,” he said, forcing himself to stay businesslike. “We’re ready to go?”

She nodded.

“Remember to –“

She cut him off. “I know. Avoid Threepio, don’t get your father started on Jabba, and let Chewie win.”

“And don’t drink the eggnog.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’ll be fine, Kylo, it’s just a party.”

“Nothing with my parents is ‘just a party,’” he muttered, but he let her pull him from the room. The sooner they got there, he reassured himself, the sooner he could be back in his hotel room, with no plans to visit his family for the foreseeable future.

Forcing himself out of the car and up the walkway to his parents’ house took all of his strength. The house looked just like it always had – old, majestic, and way too big. It was a house with more than enough room for a family of eight. For two parents who were rarely home, and one small child, it had been too much.

Kylo took a deep breath, preparing to ring the doorbell. Instead, he found himself sneaking another glance at Rey.

When he’d first started learning under Snoke, when he was still so young, he sometimes dreamed of going home and rubbing his success in everyone’s faces. In those dreams, there was a woman on his arm, someone tall and curvy and glamorous.

Rey was nothing like the women who’d featured in his juvenile revenge fantasies. She was too small, too innocent.

But looking at her now, he couldn’t help but notice that she was actually perfect for the role. Not that he was using her like that – he wasn’t a monster – but if he was… If he was looking for someone who he could bring home with his head held high, it would be someone just like her. Someone sweet, but tough. Someone kind and clever who would make people think twice, make them realize that if a woman like this loved him, he must not be quite who they’d thought he was.

“What?” she asked, self-conscious under his gaze. “Is there something on my face?”

He shook his head. “You’re fine.”

And then stood there, doing nothing. _It’s just your parents_ , he told himself.

 _Face your past, and kill it_ , Snoke’s voice said.

In the end, it was her who pushed the doorbell.

The door opened. And for the first time in the better part of a decade, Kylo found himself face to face with his father.

Han’s hair was greyer than he remembered it, his face more lined. The surprised look was new, too, although it quickly faded to something closer to the normal disapproval.

“Leia!” he yelled over his shoulder. “Someone at the door for you.”

Kylo’s muscles tensed as the sound of footsteps grew closer. This had been a mistake. The party, this whole charade – it was overkill, really. He didn’t need to go this far to cover up a single business deal. He could go back to the hotel, spend the night drinking until he couldn’t remember his name, and still have time to make the deal with Gepta tomorrow before anyone figured out why he was there. 

But that strange feeling was back, the tingling, out-of-body sensation he’d had on the plane and on the ride over, and it _wasn’t letting him leave_.

His mother’s face appeared at the door, achingly familiar. “Ben?” she gasped. The hope in her expression hurt; her obvious attempt to hide it hurt more.

Whatever evil spirit was controlling his body lifted his lips in a smile. “Hi, Mom,” he heard his own voice say.

“Ben,” she said again, her eyes watering, and threw herself into his arms.

This would be a great time for Rey to get involved, he thought, as his mother’s tears soaked into his chest.

But instead of saving him from his mother’s grip like a good fake girlfriend, Rey turned to Han. “Is that a Sopwith Camel in your garage?!”

His father’s face lit up. “Yes! You know old planes?”

“I love planes!” she exclaimed. “Where did you find one like that in such good condition?”

Han nudged his wife with his elbow. “You hear that? Good condition!” He turned to Rey. “Want to take a look?”

Rey nodded enthusiastically, but before they could move, Leia spoke, her voice muffled by Kylo’s sweater. “Han Solo, if you spend the Christmas party tinkering with that piece of junk, you’ll be sleeping in the garage for a month.”

His father rolled his eyes and sighed. “We’d better go inside,” he said, gesturing Rey through the door. And then, in a whisper, “We can always sneak out later when she breaks out the photo albums.”

“I heard that,” Leia said, but she was smiling as she disengaged from Kylo and followed them into the house.

The party hit him like a wave, a rush of sound and light that had him wishing he’d brought Tylenol. As he passed through the crowd, loud voices were replaced here and there by hostile looks. It wasn’t an improvement.

His parents lead them to the dining room, where the table was full of cookies, cakes, and drinks. After some urging from Leia, Rey took a massive slice of chocolate cake. Kylo grabbed a cup and started filling it with whisky, meeting his father’s glare with one of his own.

Han cleared his throat and turned to Rey. “So you’re Kylo’s, ahh, you know…” he gestured vaguely.

“Girlfriend,” Leia supplied, beaming.

He should have known his mother would be way too excited about this.

“That’s right,” Rey smiled, taking his hand. For a moment, he couldn’t seem to remember how fingers worked. Then he wrapped his around hers, and tried a smile of his own. 

Her hand felt tiny in his. And warm.

“So how old are you, Rey?” Han asked, a little too casual.

“I’m twenty-four,” she said.

“Twenty-four?” Han looked at Kylo, the judgement in his eyes clear.

Leia elbowed him. “Remember how old we were when we met, sweetheart?” she asked, sweetly, as if reminiscing.

“Couldn’t forget if I tried,” he shot back.

“So how did you two get together?” Leia asked, looking at them over her glass of wine.

Rey’s eyes turned to him, questioning.

“I…” For a moment, his brain went blank, and he thought it was all over. “I broke her computer,” he finally said.

Leia’s face fell, and he could hear Han’s low snort.

Kylo wrapped an arm around Rey. _Don’t hate me for this_ , he thought, briefly. “So of course, I groveled at her feet, and asked if I could buy her dinner to make up for it.” He shrugged. “She said yes.”

His could see his mother’s eyes misting over. Even Han looked grudgingly impressed. Funny, he’d spent so many years longing for their approval. How had it not occurred to him in all that time to simply lie his ass off?

Han’s eyes shifted left, and Kylo saw Lando on the other side of the room. 

“Let’s give the kids some space,” his father suggested. “Let them enjoy the party.”

His mother’s face brightened. “Oh, yes. I’m sure you’re anxious to catch up with everyone.”

That was the absolute last thing on earth Kylo was anxious to do.

And then Rey’s hand found his again. “Sounds great!” she said, sounding for all the world like she actually meant it. She must be an amazing actress, he thought.

As she dragged him off into the sea of familiar faces, Kylo couldn’t help feeling glad that it was her with him on this trip. He might actually survive this party.

 

Or so he thought, until he found himself roped into playing charades. With Chewie, who spent the entire time glaring at him, and gesturing things that he knew were death threats, no matter how many times the older man insisted he’d been trying to mimic snowboarding. Since when did snowboarding involve drawing a finger slowly across your throat?

Rey, of course, couldn’t see how anyone could find Chewie frightening. “He’s such a sweetie,” she gushed, as Maz mimed climbing a rope. Kylo choked on his drink.

She patted his back absent-mindedly. “You’re up next,” she reminded him.

He stood. “I’m going to get us more drinks.” She shot him an unimpressed look, but said nothing.

He checked his watch on the way back to the dining room, and cursed. Only thirty minutes in, really?

He looked up just in time to avoid running into Threepio.

“Master Kylo!” Threepio said happily, as Kylo silently cursed himself, the man in front of him, and the world in general.

“Threepio,” he managed. “I’ve told you not to call me that.”

But the other man wasn’t listening, already off on a rant about the desperate need for municipal election reform. Kylo looked for an out. He had to get back to Rey, before…

Actually, Rey would be fine. He was the one who needed saving, here. Unfortunately, help never came.

By the time he escaped Threepio, the game was over, and his fake girlfriend was nowhere to be seen. He wandered the house until he finally spotted her in the living room, next to his mother. His inner debate over whether he should rescue her, or avoid them both, was quickly decided when he saw Chewie standing next to them. He turned, only to see Wedge and Ezra in the kitchen. They weren’t bad, relatively speaking, but –

He sighed. There was nobody here he wanted to talk to. Nobody who wouldn’t look at him with disgust, or suspicion, or hurt. Except maybe Threepio, who would talk to anyone, as long as he could talk about municipal bylaws. And Rey, who thought Chewie was “sweet,” so her judgement was clearly not reliable.

Making a quick decision, he darted through a side door and out onto the patio. It was freezing outside. He welcomed the cold. Just five minutes. He just needed five minutes of quiet, then he’d go back in.

He breathed deeply, letting the winter air fill his lungs. Light spilled out around him, but the patch of ground he stood on was dark, shaded by the hedges his mother had planted along the drive. Through the windows to his right, he could see most of the living room; if they looked out, they would see only dark.

He noticed that Rey was still sitting on the couch next to his mother. If she didn’t move soon, she was going to spend the next half an hour looking at vacation pictures. He should really go rescue her.

On the other hand, she’d made him play fucking _charades_. Maybe he’d let her figure this one out on her own.

He tilted his head back and let himself enjoy the view. He would never regret moving to the city, but he had to admit there was something about being able to see the stars at night. From out here, in the true dark of a country night, they seemed so close.

And then he heard a throat clear beside him. He sighed. Of-fucking-course he and his father had picked the same hiding place. He wondered, idly, what it was that Han was trying to hide this time. Vodka, probably.

Han’s eyes flicked in his direction, and Kylo knew what he was thinking before he spoke. “Still playing the part of the bad boy, I see.”

He never had liked it when Kylo wore black.

He felt his nails digging into the skin of his palm. Of all of the people who had no right to judge him…

“Women seem to like it,” he sneered.

Han snorted. “The idiots you date, maybe.”

“Are you calling Rey stupid?” he asked, his voice ice.

“No,” Han backtracked quickly. “No, Rey’s something else. Something special.” He tipped his glass toward Kylo in a half-hearted salute. “Try to keep her, will you?”

He nodded casually, glad for the darkness hiding his face. Gladder still when his father walked off toward the garage, leaving him alone with his thoughts. _Try to keep her_ – an impossible task, considering Rey wasn’t actually his.

Why was that suddenly bothering him?

It wasn’t as if he wanted their relationship to be real. Rey was just a random girl from work. Sure, he found her interesting. She was smart, and capable, and clearly had a bright future. And she wasn’t exactly unattractive. A bit fresh-faced and naïve for his taste, but he could see the appeal.

And nice. He needed a stronger word than “nice,” really, because what she’d done… She had seen his anger, seen his weakness, heard about his fucked-up family, and she was still here. Dealing with his father’s scowls and his mother’s excitement and a whole town’s worth of nosy, hostile strangers, and all with a smile on her face.

Anyway. He didn’t want the relationship to be real, but the knowledge that it was fake was uncomfortable in a way it hadn’t been just that afternoon.

His mother would be so _disappointed_.

She’d been so eager to believe that she’d been wrong about him, that everyone had been wrong about him, that he was off in New York doing honest, upright work, with a kind, happy girlfriend at his side.

His “breakup” with Rey would prove her wrong. The Gepta deal would prove her wrong.

He took a deep breath, and exhaled. If she was wrong, she was wrong. His mother’s misplaced faith in him was her cross to bear, not his.

He looked into the house, where Rey was sitting next to Leia on the couch, their heads together as they leaned over an album. He’d better go intervene before she ran screaming. And then he could leave, and this farce would finally be over.


	5. Family history

Rey could get used to being Kylo’s fake girlfriend.

The food was all amazing; even the eggnog. She wasn’t sure why Kylo had been so worried about it, it was delicious.  

Even better was the way these people had welcomed her. As if she wasn’t some random person they’d just met. As if she _belonged_ here.

But it was the ability to force Kylo into ridiculous situations that she truly cherished. Seriously, the man needed to loosen up a little.

She hadn’t been surprised when he made up an excuse to leave their game of charades. His loss, she was having a great time without him. She should go find him soon, though. Convincing him to dance was probably out of the question, but maybe she could get him to play darts. She’d heard that guy from the store – Londo? – was trying to get a game going.

“So Rey,” a voice said, shaking her out of her thoughts. “What’s your story? How did you end up with Kylo?” The speaker said _Kylo_ the way some people might say _ebola_.

She looked at the woman speaking to her. Jyn, that was her name. And the man trying unsuccessfully to shush her was Cassian.

“I, um,” she stammered. “I’m not sure what you mean.” It came out sounding like a question.

“Look, I’m not here to judge,” Jyn said. “But – he treats you well?”

“It’s been a long time since we saw Kylo,” Cassian interjected. “We knew him as a child, as Ben.” It wasn’t clear if he was speaking to her, or to the woman at his side.

“We know him well enough,” Jyn muttered. Cassian shot her a warning look, and they seemed to have some kind of silent conversation.

“Kylo –“ Rey began in an attempt to break the tension. And then faltered, because what could she say that was true? She couldn’t honestly say that Kylo had treated her well.

She could see worry forming in Jyn’s eyes. “He can be… a little abrasive,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “But he’s really trying to do better.” That was true enough. She left off the part where his effort to change was motivated by blackmail.

“He doesn’t – “ Jyn paused, looking uncertain.

“He would never hurt me,” Rey assured her. That she felt certain was true. “He’s not _bad_ , he just – he doesn’t always know how to talk to people.” _Understatement of the century_ , she thought, and going by Cassian’s low snort of amusement, he agreed.

“OK,” Jyn said, looking appeased. “Seriously, though.” She met her eyes, and Rey found herself holding her breath. “If he gives you any trouble – _any_ trouble – you let us know and we’ll sort it out, OK?”

“You’re talking about Leia’s son, querida,” Cassian said quietly.

Jyn rolled her eyes, nudging him with her leg. “I’m not saying I would hurt him,” she said, adding something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like _more than he deserves_. “Just – talk to him. I can be very convincing.” Her smile reminded Rey of sharks.

“Well – thanks,” Rey said, finding her voice.

They talked for a while longer, thankfully moving off the subject of Kylo and their supposed relationship. Jyn made sure to put her number into Rey’s phone before they parted, though. “Just in case.” Her eyes softened. “You can call for whatever you need,” she added. “Even if you’re not in trouble.”

There was a sudden, inexplicable lump in Rey’s throat as she said goodbye.

 

She felt a small jolt of nervousness when she turned to go. The only people she knew at this party, besides her new friends in the little group she was leaving behind, were Kylo and his parents. And she didn’t want to talk to his parents without him, what if she messed up their story?

Where was he, anyway? She frowned as she scanned the room. How was it this hard to find a man who was 6’3” and dressed all in black?

Luckily, it turned out she shouldn’t have worried about not knowing anyone. She didn’t find Kylo, but everyone else was just so _nice_. She saw Lando, who greeted her like an old friend and invited her to play darts. And Han, who thankfully had no interest in discussing her so-called relationship with his son.

After that, she found herself talking to a pale, dark-haired woman who introduced herself as Madurrin, and her friend (“Kirana, but everyone calls me Kira”). People in this town had such interesting names.

“Did you see that Ben is here this year?” Madurrin asked, conspiratorially.

“Ben?” Rey asked.

“Tall guy, curly black hair, all in black,” Kira told her.

Oh. Right. That Ben. Kylo’s whole past life thing was going to take some getting used to.

“We know him from high school,” Kira continued. She paused. “And middle school, and elementary school, and daycare.” She shrugged. “Small town.”

 “You grew up here?”

She nodded. “We don’t live here anymore, but we come back most years for Christmas. And of course, if you’re here, you have to come to Leia’s party.”

“So what was Ben like as a kid?” Rey asked before she could stop herself.

Kira pursed her lips, looking for words, but her friend spoke first. “Weird,” she said, drawing the word out into three syllables.

“He wasn’t that bad,” Kira protested half-heartedly. “He was just kind of – intense. He was really smart.”

“And _psycho_.”

“That’s not fair. Whatever happened later, he was nice as a kid.”

“He was _weird_ as a kid,” her friend muttered, as Rey asked, “What happened later?”

The dark-haired woman spoke first again. “The fire happened,” she said. She leaned closer, her voice dropping to a whisper. “Ben set fire to a store with people inside of it. This guy Seth, like, _died_ ,” she concluded dramatically.

Her companion rolled her eyes. “His name is Zeth, and no, he didn’t _die_ , Maddie,” she said firmly. “He was in the hospital for a few weeks, though,” she added grudgingly.

“And people thought Kylo did it?” Rey asked. At their blank looks, she corrected herself. “Ben, I mean.”

“Well, sure,” Maddie said. “I mean, he and Kyp hated each other so much. Who else would have done it?”

“Wait,” Rey said, confused. “Who’s Kyp?”

“Kyp is Zeth’s brother,” Kira explained.

“So they say K – _Ben_ , attacked Zeth because he hated Kyp?”

“Kyp was there, too,” Maddie said. “When the fire started. Ben was probably trying to get Kyp, but Kyp escaped, and Zeth was the one who got hurt.”

“Didn’t Ben get in trouble, then?”

Maddie snorted. “Ben’s mom was practically the queen of this town, even before she was governor,” she said. “I don’t think anything Ben did could have gotten him in trouble.”

Rey looked to Kira, but the other woman didn’t contradict her friend.

“That’s quite a story,” Rey said, quietly.

Maddie nodded, looking pleased at her reaction. “I’m surprised he came back at all,” she said. “He knows what people here think of him.”

“Amilyn said he has a girlfriend with him,” Kira said. “I’m kind of interested to see her, to be honest.”

“Who wouldn’t want to see what kind of woman would want to date Ben?” her friend asked, rolling her eyes.

“He’s not that bad,” Rey found herself saying. Both of them turned to look at her. “I mean,” she said, fighting a blush, “he’s kind of good looking. If we’re talking about the same guy.”

Maddie looked skeptical, but Kira nodded in agreement. “He definitely got way hotter since high school,” she agreed. “Who knows, maybe his personality changed, too.”

“From being a _murderer_?” Maddie said, a little too loudly. Kira shushed her. Just in time, because a moment later, Leia appeared.

“There you are,” she beamed, grabbing Rey by the elbow. “Come on, there’s something I want to show you.”

 

Rey had just enough time to wave a quick goodbye as Leia steered her toward the living room. A minute later, she found herself sitting on the sofa next to a US governor. A US governor who was giving her an intense look, almost as if she could read her mind.

She could feel herself sit up straighter. Being at the center of Leia’s attention was a bizarre mix of wonderful and terrifying.

“Well!” Leia said after a moment. “Since you’re, you know, sort of part of the family now, I thought maybe you’d like to see a bit of our family history.”

As she spoke, Rey caught sight of a head of dark hair leaving through a side door. It took her a minute to fully comprehend what she was seeing, and then the injustice hit her like a splash of cold water. Kylo was sneaking out. Without her. Leaving her to keep up the charade all by herself.

She was _so_ showing those pictures to Hux.

But in the meantime, she smiled as Leia began passing her photo albums. She had to admit, a part of her actually wanted to do this. The idea of seeing Kylo as a child intrigued her. It was hard to picture him any smaller or younger than he was. She stifled a giggle at the mental image of a 5-year-old with Kylo’s trademark scowl, barking orders.

She couldn’t help an actual giggle at the sight of baby Kylo – baby _Ben_ – fat-faced and adorable, frowning as someone held a toy just out of reach. It wasn’t far from what she’d imagined. Another picture showed him grinning, a wide, toothless smile, and that was nothing like any expression she’d seen on his face.

The album continued, with Ben slowly growing. She couldn’t help noticing that there weren’t many pictures of Ben with his parents. And there were a bizarre number of pictures of Ben with Threepio, who, from everything Kylo had said, didn’t sound like someone who’d want to spend much time with kids.

“And here’s Ben in high school,” Leia said, breaking through her thoughts as she handed her another album.

Rey opened the album slowly, feeling slightly guilty as she did so. It’s not like she’d gone looking to invade Kylo’s privacy, but – this was way more of his life than he’d want her seeing.

On the other hand, he’d abandoned her to deal with his photo-album-wielding mother alone. What had he thought would happen, really?

The first pictures were innocent enough. Early-teenage-years Ben had a face that only a mother could love, but everyone went through an awkward phase. She moved through the next few pages quickly. There was Kylo with his mother, looking awkward and unhappy in a formal suit. On the opposite page, a younger Han stood with his son, his smile looking forced. Kylo wasn’t smiling at all.

From around page ten, things were different. It took her a moment to put her finger on what had changed. Kylo’s face was the same as on the last page. He looked about 16 or 17, and he’d grown into his features. His expression was the same as in the earlier pictures, too. Irritated, unhappy, but with an undertone of determination. Frustrated. But the photos–

The photos were all taken without his knowledge, she realized. He must have stopped posing for pictures at some point, because every picture was taken from the side, or from far away. In one case, from just behind his shoulder. She saw Kylo frowning over books and looking at his computer screen as if it held some vital secret, but never looking at the camera. And always alone.

She felt a rush of emotion, although if she’d been asked, she couldn’t have said exactly what she was feeling. Not sympathy, not exactly. The boy in these pictures looked so sad, but also distant, and more than a little angry. If teenaged Rey had met someone like him in one of the group homes, she would have known to stay away. She didn’t want to give teenaged Kylo a hug, but she wanted… what? To tell him it would get better someday?

Had it gotten better someday, for him? Rey wasn’t sure.

Some of what she felt must have shown on her face, because Leia seemed to think an explanation was in order.

“That was a rough year for Ben,” she said quietly. “I was pretty busy, and Han was, well… And you know how teenagers are, it’s a hard –“

“Was it because of the fire?” Rey asked. Or – someone asked, using Rey’s voice. She felt sure she would have known better than to raise such a painful subject with Kylo’s own mother.

But Leia didn’t look upset. “What fire?” she asked lightly, her confusion just a little too perfect. And that was Rey’s chance to drop the subject. Which she should do, because this was Kylo’s past, and Kylo was not the kind of man who encouraged questions about his private life. But there was a tingling in her chest, now, a feeling telling her that this was important.  

“The fire Ben was blamed for,” she said, sounding more confident than she felt.

“Oh, the fire in that little store off Main Street? The one that injured that poor Durron boy?” She waved her hand as if pushing the question away. “Nobody thinks Ben was involved in that. I mean, yes, maybe a couple of people said some things, but…” She shook her head. “Nobody took it seriously.”

Her tone was friendly, and yet Rey was sure that follow-up questions would not be welcomed. So she didn’t ask, but she did think about it. She thought about small town life, and the cruelty of children, and about two very different versions of the same story. And she thought that maybe, she could see why a certain kind of person would want to leave a town like Crystal Pines.

She nearly screamed when she realized that the man she’d been thinking about was standing right in front of her, glowering at a piece of floor a bit to her left.

“Ready to go?” he bit out.

“You scared the hell out of me,” she said, unthinking.

His lips twitched in the ghost of a smirk. “You scare easily, then. Ready to go?”

“Um. Sure.” She turned to Leia to begin her goodbyes, only to see Kylo stalk off, apparently sure she’d be following. She made do with a quick, “lovely to meet you, hope to see you soon,” and then darted after him.

 

“Why are you in such a hurry?” she complained, as she followed him out into the front hallway.

Before he could answer, they were both startled by a wheezing sound from their right. Rey turned and saw a tiny, ancient man leaning on a cane and – choking? Or laughing? It was really hard to tell. She shot a panicked look at Kylo. He just looked pissed off, which hopefully meant the man wasn’t in danger.

“Mistletoe, I see here!” the old man declared. This statement amused him so much that he lapsed into another long round of choke-laughter. Rey looked up, and saw a sprig of… something. Honestly, she had no idea what mistletoe was supposed to look like.

The old man recovered from his second fit, and drew himself up to his full height, staring at them both. “Kiss, you must,” he said, as if issuing a royal decree.

“No, that’s bullshit,” Kylo said, and if laughter was water, his voice would have been the Sahara desert.

Rey was shocked. Yes, demanding that people kiss was tacky and just all kinds of awful, but – the man Kylo was speaking to was easily the oldest person she’d ever seen. A little respect was in order.

She shot the man her warmest smile. “We were just leaving, actually. Maybe next time.”

“No!” The man slammed his cane into the floor, looking angry. At _her_ , not at Kylo, which was completely unfair.  “Leave you must not. Kiss! Otherwise, terrible luck you will have.”

“He does this. Every. Fucking. Year,” Kylo whispered to her out of the corner of his mouth. His gaze softened as he took in her upset expression. “Don’t worry, we don’t have to do anything. It’s not like he can hurt us.”

“Heard that, I did!” the old man said. “Kick your ass I still can, youngling.”

“Oh for fuck’s –“ Kylo started to say.

“It’s just a kiss,” Rey said, cutting him off. This party was starting to be a bit much for her. If she had to give Kylo a quick kiss in order to leave, she would.

And if she was starting to understand a little too well why he hadn’t wanted to come home, if she hated the upset look on his face, if she wanted to show him in some small way that she was on his side – well. That had nothing to do with it.

She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, drawing him closer to her. His eyes locked on hers, full of some emotion she couldn’t name. She could feel his breath on her cheek as he said, “Rey, you really don’t have to do this.”

“I know,” she whispered back. And then pressed her lips to his.


	6. Under the Christmas tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was mean to leave things that way... Have a short chapter to get past the cliffhanger.

Rey’s lips on his were like a jolt to his system. One minute, he was irritated by the terrible music, and his father, and that stupid mistletoe.

The next moment, there was only her. Only her lips, soft on his, her hands, reaching up to cup his face, her chest pressed against his. He felt a rush of energy.

His mouth opened slightly, automatically, and he had to stifle a moan when her tongue stole inside. She tasted like cinnamon, and sugar, and –

… and rum. Lots and lots of rum.

He pulled back immediately, ignoring the part of his brain that cried out in complaint. “Have you been drinking the eggnog?” he asked.

She looked confused, as if struggling to understand why they’d stopped kissing. “I… yes. Eggnog.” She smiled. “It’s very good.”

Well, that explained that. Knowing his parents’ parties, the eggnog was probably 50% proof by now. Fucking Lando. To be fair, he probably wasn’t the only one who’d spiked it.

“Come on,” he sighed. “Let’s get you home.”

 

The walk back to the car was a kind of torture. Rey was able to walk, technically, but she kept stumbling and bumping into him, until she was forced to take his arm as support – a situation she seemed to find amusing.

Kylo was not amused. After a kiss like that, what he needed was to be far away from her. He needed a full day apart, so that he could get her out of his mind – or at least, go back to seeing her in purely professional terms. Instead, she was pressed against his side, clinging to him, which was _not helping_.

She stumbled again, and giggled as she used his arm to right herself. He stole a glance at her, her cheeks pink with laughter and her hair slipping out of her buns to curl around her face.

… He might need more than a day away from her, after this. Maybe a week would do it. Or a couple of months.

“Ben. Ben!” she said, causing him to stiffen in surprise. “Oops, sorry, Kylo,” she said, chagrined. “I just – everyone else was calling you Ben, and…”

“It’s OK,” he said, surprised to find that he actually meant it.

“Oh. Good. So,” she said, giving him puppy-dog eyes. “Can we go see the tree?”

“What tree?”

She rolled her eyes. Or tried to, at least. “The tree! The big one with all of the lights.”

It was bitterly cold, and he had absolutely no desire to spend even more time celebrating Christmas. Or to show his face anywhere outside the hotel. Let alone to do both of those things together.

“Please?”

He sighed. “Fine. But only for two minutes.”

 

The tree was nothing special, if you asked him. It was tall, it had lights on it, the end.

But Rey was staring at it with wonder, and he couldn’t bring himself to make her leave after two minutes. Or five.

He watched her as she turned to look out over the snow-kissed town, and for the first time in a long time, he could almost see it as an outsider would. As she must see it. The fir trees, fat and dark green and perfect, draped in colorful lights, dusted with snow. The scent of fresh-baked cookies somewhere nearby. The carolers’ voices sweet in the distance.

“They’re lovely,” she said, her voice breaking the silence. “Your family. They’re really special.”

He managed to hum in agreement, even as something unpleasant twisted in his stomach, cold and dark and angry. Yes, the perfect Organa-Solo family, in their perfect house, in this perfect little town. And him, the angry, lost son, the fuck-up, the ugly note of discord in their almost-perfect life.

Fuck, but he needed a drink.

“They don’t really see you, though, do they.”

His head snapped to Rey. She was still looking out over the town, her eyes distant.

She seemed to take his silence as disagreement, because there was a hint of apology in her eyes when she turned back to him.

“I’m sorry, that sounds awful. I don’t mean to insult them, it’s just, well… “

 _Go ahead and insult them_ , he wanted to say, but he held back. He wanted to hear where Rey was going with this.

“Sometimes parents are so focused on who they think their kid should be, that they miss who their kid actually is,” she said. “Not that I’m the expert on parents,” she added, and for the first time since they’d met, her tone was bitter.

Rey went back to pondering the tree. And Kylo started thinking about her.

He’d known she was smart, but he hadn’t known she was so terrifyingly perceptive. He had to update his view of her; she wasn’t just intelligent, pretty, and full of energy, she was also bold, and could see right through him, and went straight from pretty to _stunning_ when she smiled, and –

Oh shit, he had a crush on Rey.

She was saying something, but her words were drowned out by his internal panic. This was not good. He wasn’t supposed to have a crush, not with a career-making (or career-breaking) deal on the line.

He wasn’t supposed to have crushes _ever_.

_(The lights were dim, and the music was pounding, and it was everything he’d imagined a New York nightclub would be._

_Except the women still had no interest in him. He’d imagined that part being different._

_He had changed, after all. He had money now. Nice clothes. And, if he said so himself, a really nice set of stomach muscles. What was he doing wrong?_

_“You care too much,” a voice drawled beside him._

_Kylo’s scowl deepened. He wasn’t sure he liked being spoken to in that patronizing tone. And Hux said_ everything _in that tone._

_The redhead took his silence as a sign to continue. “You think she’s some sort of prize,” he said, tilting his head to indicate the woman Kylo had tried – and, OK, failed miserably – to impress._

_“She is,” he answered, reluctant. The woman was stunning, all long legs and pouting lips and smooth, caramel skin._

_“No,” Hux said, firm. “She’s nothing. She’s just some little tramp looking for a man with money.” Hux always spoke as if he’d stepped straight out of the 1950s. He punched Kylo in the chest, hard enough to sting. “_ You’re _the prize. Always remember that. She’d be lucky to get you.”_

_Kylo snorted, unconvinced._

_“You think women want some little boy following them with hearts in his eyes?” Hux’s tone was mocking. “Women want confidence. They want a man who’s too good for them. So be that man. You think you’re not good enough for her, and she will, too. You think you’re too good for her, and she will, too.” Against his will, Kylo found himself hanging on the other man’s words._

_“Go out there,” Hux said, pointing at a pair of women at the bar. “Go out there, and remember: you’re the prize. She’s nothing special. If she doesn’t want you, you don’t give a fuck, there are another hundred women just like her. If you care what she says, you’re doing it wrong.”_

_Kylo hesitated, looking at the two women. “If you care, she has the power,” Hux added, soft._

_He nodded, and moved toward the bar._

_And as much as he hated, even then, to admit that Hux was right – the next woman gave him her number. And the one after came home with him._

_He had finally figured it out. He finally had what he’d wasted so much time wanting._

_Ben had spent his teenage years hopelessly, awkwardly obsessed with girls. Imagining himself in love with his chemistry partner, with the pretty cashier at the supermarket. With Lomi. Hoping, fantasizing. And getting his heart stamped on._

_Kylo was going to do things differently.)_

And look at him now.

 _It’s not real_ , he told himself sternly. _It’s just this place_. This town, seeing Lomi, his parents – it was all coming together to push him back toward being Ben Solo. Awkward, unhappy Ben, who would have followed Rey around like a puppy, willing to do anything for another of her smiles. Dreaming of touching her soft skin, but never daring.

He was not Ben anymore. He was _not_. “Face your past, and kill it,” Snoke had demanded, when sending him off on this trip. That was his mission.

His so-called feelings for Rey were just a distraction.

“ – the kind of guy who would never admit to himself that he actually liked a girl,” Rey’s voice cut in. “Like, he’d probably do all these amazing things for her, but then pretend that it wasn’t about her and he didn’t care.”

His mind went blank. “What?” he managed, weakly.

She smiled at him. “Your parents? I’m just saying, it must have taken them forever to get together, with the way your dad is.”

“Oh. Um, yeah. I think they knew each other for years before they started dating.”

Rey shook her head, smiling. “I could tell. Well, it’s not rocket science, he’s still like that with you.”

“What?” he managed, again. He winced internally at how dumb he must sound, but really, it was hardly his fault. Talking with Rey tonight was trying to run a maze blindfolded.

“You know,” she said, as if it was obvious, “how he’s like –“ she attempted a Han impersonation, “’oh, Kylo, nice of you to stop by, no big deal’ and then spends the whole evening telling everyone how amazing you are.”

His mind was reeling. “He doesn’t think I’m amazing,” he protested. “He thinks Snoke is terrible, I’m amoral, and Kylo is a dumb name.”

“To be fair, Snoke is terrible,” she said, earning a glare from him. “Seriously, though. He told Holdo how you’re the best deputy CEO our company’s ever had, told Lando you get your business sense from him, and spent ten minutes telling me how smart you were in school.”

“So why…” he trailed off, unable to finish.

“Because,” she said, “he’s an idiot who can’t admit that he loves people.”

He looked at Rey, her eyes kind, a thousand Christmas tree lights reflected in their depths. His mind was racing, and his head hurt, and he wanted… He wanted to ask her how she could be so strong, how she could walk around so happy, so open, after everything she’d been through. He wanted to kiss her again; wanted the world to fade away like it had before, leaving nothing but the feeling of her lips on his.

“Let’s go,” he said instead. “It’s freezing out here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is probably going to end up being more than 10 chapters. I'm not sure how many - 12? Will update when I decide.


	7. Minty Madness

Rey spent the first 60 seconds after she woke up forcing herself not to vomit.

And then she remembered the night before, and spent the next 60 seconds forcing herself not to cry.

 _Let’s see – kissed my hot, perpetually angry coworker, insulted his parents to his face, collapsed on him, passed out. Great job_ , _Drunk Rey_. _Thanks ever so._

She’d almost liked Kylo last night. After hearing about his past, and seeing him with his parents, he was starting to look less hostile, and a lot more human. Sometimes harsh, sometimes almost endearingly awkward, but never truly bad.

And the awful things his former classmates had said had only made her more sympathetic. She had been certain that they were wrong. Kylo may have had a temper, he may have allowed himself to be rude at times, but a murderer? Drunk Rey knew that couldn’t be right.

Sober Rey, on the other hand… She still couldn’t see Kylo as a cold-blooded killer. She still thought he’d probably been blamed just because he was an easy target. But she also thought that allegations of attempted murder were something you couldn’t just ignore based on a gut feeling.

She sat back on her bed, wondering what to do. What if he thought their kiss last night changed things? What would she say – “listen, I think I might like you, but could you please just confirm you’re not the type to try to burn people alive”?

She shook her head, irritated with herself. She wouldn’t have to ask Kylo any awkward questions, because he wasn’t going to make any assumptions. They’d shared a single drunken kiss after a strange, possibly insane elderly man had thrown a fit at them. That didn’t mean he’d have expectations. That didn’t mean anything.

It had been a really nice kiss, though. His lips were as soft as they looked. And the way his hands had splayed across her lower back, pulling her closer… She wouldn’t have said before that she had a thing for guys with nice hands, but now she was seriously considering it.

 _No. Stop it_ , she warned herself. _Kylo Ren is not a nice man._ He may not be a killer, but he was still a jerk. And Rey didn’t need that in her life. No matter how soft his eyes had been when he looked at her under the Christmas tree.

The best thing to do, she decided, was to hurry down to breakfast, where she was supposed to meet with Kylo to review for the meeting. The sooner she got there, the sooner he would say something terrible and mean that would remind her why the thought of any kind of relationship with him was a Very Bad Idea. And the sooner she could get control of herself.

 

She could tell that plan wasn’t going to go well the minute she saw him. He was sitting at one of the little round tables near the front desk – the closest thing this place had to a lounge – with two cups of coffee waiting. And a muffin.

How was she supposed to dislike a guy who brought her muffins? Coming closer, she saw it was blueberry, too. _Damn it_.

He looked up and gave her a small smile, and of course her brain chose that moment to send her helpful images of the stunned look on his face the night before, just after she’d kissed him. She could feel herself blushing as she sat down and took the offered muffin and drink with a nod.

Fortunately, Kylo seemed as eager as she was to avoid any awkwardness. He didn’t even mention the night before, launching immediately into a review of their talking points for the meeting. All that was left for Rey to do was to nod occasionally, and try not to moan too loudly while eating. Crystal Pines had some very skilled bakers.

And then all too soon it was over, and he was standing up, and she was standing up, and suddenly the enormity of what they were about to do hit her full force. She was just some young tech geek who had stumbled into an amazing job. And now she was supposed to go sit opposite one of the richest men in America – in the world, even – and convince him to do business with them.

How could he take her seriously? She wasn’t entirely sure she took herself seriously.

Kylo realized she wasn’t behind him, and turned. She expected him to look impatient, or even angry. Instead, he looked almost sympathetic. As if he’d been expecting this.

“Hey,” he said, stepping closer. “We’ve got this, OK? You’ve got this.” His eyes burned into hers, dark and serious and understanding.

“I’ve felt it too, you know,” he said softly, as if they were sharing a secret. “Nervous. Hell, terrified. Sure that there’s no way he’s going to listen to me, and no reason he should.” She couldn’t tear her eyes away from his. “But you know what? He needs us.”

She gave him a skeptical look.

“It’s not like he goes out and earns those billions with his own two hands, right? Have you heard of anything that Gepta invented himself?”

She shook her head, hanging on his every word.

“He doesn’t know how to build a robot, or how to program,” he continued. His voice was soothing, hypnotic. “He needs smart people to do it for him. He needs us.”

“You’re a genius, Rey,” he added. “He’s just some guy with money.” One corner of his mouth curled in what was almost a smile.

She suddenly realized that while they were talking, he’d been gently moving her forward, toward Gepta’s suite. _Bastard. Sneaky, overly tall bastard._

He smirked at her, as if he could read her thoughts. “If I still haven’t convinced you, I’d just like to point out that _I_ am going to have no problem speaking to Mr. Gepta. So, assuming you’re just as good at your job as I am at mine, you should have no problem either.”

Well. She could hardly disagree with that. ( _Stupid, logical bastard_.) She straightened her back, preparing to walk confidently into Gepta’s room, only to realize that she was still holding Kylo’s hand. She didn’t remember taking his hand in the first place.

She removed her hand from his quickly, but not before noticing how warm his was, and how it folded around hers completely. _Nice hands_ , she couldn’t help remembering.

And then the door opened, and Kylo gently pushed her inside.

 

Looking back later, most of what she remembered was trying not to let her panic show. She’d talked to Gepta about something – lasers, maybe? He’d asked something about the programming on the C3PO robots, and she’d managed to answer without stuttering or blathering, which was enough to make her happy.

He’d been fascinated by their contributions to the latest Pentagon project, even though he was in the market for software, not weapons. Men and their fascination with blowing things up. Poe was exactly the same.

“You were wonderful.”

Gepta’s interest had been a bit beyond what was normal, though. She frowned. Why had he wanted to know so much about their laser targeting technology? Or the surveillance tech? That was some dark stuff.

“Rey? Hello?”

Her head snapped up. “Oh! Um, thanks,” she said, smiling. “You weren’t bad yourself.”

Kylo had been amazing. Smooth, confident, deftly guiding Gepta where he wanted him to go. And sending Rey an amused glance from time to time, challenging her to keep up. It had been just what she needed.

He didn’t look confident now, though. He looked oddly nervous.

“I thought maybe you’d like to celebrate,” he said. It came out almost a question.

“Celebrate. Here?” She raised her eyebrows. “Does Crystal Pines have a nightlife you didn’t tell me about?” A disturbing thought hit her. “Wait, are your parents having another party?”

He made a face. “No. I was thinking something more… well, something here. Just a couple of drinks. If you’d like.”

“Not more eggnog,” she begged.

“Not more eggnog,” he said, smiling. “I got something else.”

She looked at him, waiting.

“You know Smirnoff’s peppermint twist?” he asked.

“Oh, that stuff is so good!”

“Yes. Well. This is not that,” he said, pulling a bottle from behind his back. “This is Uncle Jack’s Minty Madness vodka.”

The bottle looked like an old soda bottle that had been painted red and decorated with a crude painting of a candy cane. Upon giving it a closer look, Rey realized that was exactly what it was.

“Is that… safe?” she asked.

“It’s made by Old Jack, he’s a local farmer. Everyone in town has had his stuff, it’s practically a rite of passage.” Kylo looked at the battered bottle almost fondly.

“I can’t help noticing that’s not a ‘yes,’” she pointed out.

“It’s not a yes,” he admitted. “It’s a ‘probably,’ though.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Will it taste good?”

He shook his head. “Definitely not.”

This was a terrible idea. She did not need to get drunk two nights in a row. She definitely didn’t need to get drunk on liquor a random farmer had cooked up in his bathtub. And she definitely, 100% did not need to get drunk on random bathtub-liquor with Kylo Ren.

She grinned. “What are we waiting for?”

 

The thing about sitting in your hotel room getting drunk on homemade vodka with your hot, maybe-not-so-evil coworker was… it was…

OK, Rey couldn’t remember what it was. Sober Rey had remembered. She’d been pretty nervous about the whole situation, for some reason.

But right now, Rey had no idea what that reason was, and she didn’t care. They’d made the sale, they were going home tomorrow, and they had peppermint vodka. Terrible peppermint vodka that burned on the way down, but still. Life was good.

She looked over at Kylo. His sleeves were rolled up, his hair was down, and he looked more relaxed than she could remember seeing him on the trip so far. Or ever, come to think of it.

She wanted to ask him something. Sober Rey hadn’t wanted her to start asking Kylo questions. But Sober Rey was no fun, and Rey was going to ignore her.

“Kylo?” He looked at her, questioning. “Why are you being so nice?”

He frowned. “I’m not usually mean,” he said, slightly defensive. He waved off her objection before she could start. “I know, I know. Your computer.”

She gave him a look. He sighed. “Yes, OK, sometimes I can be a little harsh.” She couldn’t hold back a snort at that, but he didn’t look angry. “But I’m trying to be professional.”

“It’s not just that,” she said. “You were nice at the party last night. And you were really nice this morning, with the meeting.” The last statement came out defensive, as if he might try to deny it.

He was silent for a minute. “Well,” he said finally. “You are blackmailing me.”

Rey brightened. “Oh. Right! That was a really good idea,” she said happily, taking another sip from her cup of Minty Madness mixed with sprite. It tasted as horrible as ever.

She looked over at Kylo, who was sitting on the floor, while she was perched on the bed. His long legs were extended in front of him, slightly bent, and he was leaning forward

“I don’t want to be mean,” he said quietly. “It’s not like I like hurting people.”

He sighed. Rey waited.

“But look, that’s how life is sometimes,” he said. “That’s how the world is.” His eyes met hers, and held them. “You can’t succeed in business if you’re going around trying to be nice to everyone all the time. You can’t be afraid to say what needs to be said. You can’t be afraid to give orders, and insist that they be followed. Businesses need leaders, and leaders have to put the good of the company over being nice.” He said the last word with more than a hint of derision.

He wasn’t being defensive, Rey realized; this was what he really believed. And she had to admit that he wasn’t _entirely_ wrong.

He wasn’t entirely right, either. But she didn’t know how to begin explaining that.

He was still watching her. “You have more questions, don’t you.”

Yes, she did. She wanted to know why everyone in his hometown thought he was a killer, and what he thought of that, and why he hadn’t fought to clear his name. She wanted to know why he hated Christmas. She wanted to know how he would react if she kissed him again; if it would be as good as she remembered...

 _Stop it. Bad Rey_.

“I have an idea,” he said. His eyes were still on her, and the look in them was a mix of amusement and something darker, and for a terrifying second Rey had a feeling he could read her mind. “Let’s play a game.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe how long it took me to finish a chapter this short. Sorry, whoever's reading this. I plan to get back to more frequent updates soon.


	8. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst. Nearly two months to get a chapter up, and then it doesn't even have smut. Please bear with me, gentle readers, smut is coming soon.

“A game?” Rey gave him a skeptical look.

Fuck, but she was cute when she looked like she was doubting his sanity.

“A drinking game,” he clarified _. Good save, Kylo. That’s way more normal. Totally the kind of thing that two adult coworkers would do. Alone. In a hotel room._ “We’ll each have a chance to ask questions.”

Amazingly, she seemed to be considering it. “How will it work?”

“We’d take turns. Three turns each,” he said. His mouth was working on autopilot, while his brain reeled from his amazing luck. He couldn’t believe she was still listening, was acting like this might be something other than a completely terrible idea. “If you want to ask something, you drink, then ask. The other person can answer, or drink.”

She nodded. “One shot each time?”

“Half a shot,” he decided. “Normally I’d say a full shot, but I think three full shots of this stuff might actually kill us.”

And she agreed. Somehow, miraculously, she agreed.

Normally it was Snoke’s voice that appeared in his head when he was doing something stupid. But right now it was Hux’s all-too-familiar drawl he heard as Rey carefully poured two half-shots of Jack’s godawful vodka.

_“You realize this is a terrible idea,”_ the voice said, so clear in his mind that he could almost see the insufferable redhead it belonged to smirking at him. _“I mean, most of your ideas are bad, but this is just the_ worst _.”_

_Shut up, Hux,_ he thought, automatic.

_“You’re barely in control as it is,”_ Hux continued, ignoring him in his head just like he did in real life. _“Drinking is not going to improve that, you know.”_

The annoying thing was, mind-Hux was right. Despite all of Kylo’s efforts, this… this _thing_ with Rey just seemed to be getting worse.

He’d spent a full twenty minutes that morning talking himself out of it. Reminding himself of the many reasons that he didn’t need to be fantasizing about his sweet, innocent, much younger coworker. Telling himself that he hadn’t gotten this far by turning into a cretin whenever a pretty girl smiled at him.

And then he’d gone and bought her coffee and a muffin, because he knew she’d be waking up hungover, and he wanted to help her. He wanted to take care of her.

He should regret his moment of weakness, he knew. But he couldn’t. Not when it had made her so happy. Not when the sound she’d made as she took her first bite had sent blood rushing straight to his cock, forcing him to review their talking points for an extra two minutes so he could calm down.

He was finding it hard to regret this, either.

Mind-Hux sighed. _“Your funeral,”_ he said, before going silent. Hopefully for good.

Rey passed him one of the two cups. “You first,” she said.

He had to think for a moment. He needed a question that was neutral, the kind of thing two coworkers might talk about. If neither was desperately trying not to fantasize about having the other’s legs wrapped around their waist.

 “Uh… How’d you end up working at Coruscant?” he managed.

He had no idea what kind of answer to expect. And yet, she managed to surprise him anyway, with a sound that was half-snort, half-laugh. “Who else would have hired me?”

He couldn’t keep the surprise off his face. “You’re good at what you do, you know,” he told her. “Really good.”

“Thanks.” Were her cheeks going pink? “But I was nothing back then. I was just some girl from the middle of nowhere. I hadn’t even finished my degree. Luke was the only one willing to take me on.” She frowned slightly, remembering. “I use the word ‘willing’ very loosely.”

Kylo lifted an eyebrow. “Oh?”

She waved a hand dismissively. “Just Luke being Luke. Something about how hiring me would ‘disturb the balance’ in engineering. He can be kind of weird.”

“You have no idea,” he muttered under his breath. He took half a drink, just because.

“Yeah, well,” she shrugged. “He got over it.”

She turned her eyes to him, considering. “Same question,” she decided. “How did you end up as Snoke’s right-hand man?”

He could feel himself scowling. Odd. It wasn’t an insult. Hell, there was a time he would have given anything to earn Snoke’s favor.

He drained the rest of his drink as he pondered how honest to be with his answer. He didn’t like to discuss the past. But – this was Rey. Something in him told him he could trust Rey. It might just be the alcohol, but he didn’t think so.

“You’re not answering?” she asked, disappointed.

“What? No. Just – needed a drink.” He paused, weighing his words. “I met Snoke when I was fairly young. We… met online. On a private network.”

Her eyes narrowed as she put the pieces together faster than he had hoped. “You met Snoke on the dark web?”

“Not exactly. Let’s call it the gray web,” he said. She snorted. “I met him at random, and then we just – started talking.”

He’d been so impressed with himself at the time. He’d felt so clever, finding sites that nobody else could see. So special, when Snoke had taken an interest.

Now, remembering, he just felt tired.

“So when you graduated college, you went to work for him?” she asked.

“When I was done with high school I went to work for him,” he corrected her. “Snoke doesn’t care about degrees.” He hoped she wouldn’t pick up on the subtle distinction between _done_ and _graduated_.

She gave him a long look, and he tried – and failed – to read her expression. She didn’t ask anything more, just gestured for him to speak.

He shook his head. “Your turn to go first.”

She tilted her head back, thinking, one foot in front of her, the other swinging idly over the side of the bed. He forced himself to keep his eyes on her face.

“Who’s your best friend?” she asked, eyes still on the ceiling.

Ugh. Maybe he should just drink on this one.

_“That’s even worse than the truth,”_ mind-Hux said, sounding bored.

“Hux, I guess,” he admitted. He really should replace the obnoxious ginger bastard on his friends list, but – with who? Phasma? She was admittedly less hostile than Hux, but she was also _terrifying_.

“Hux?” Rey sat up, shocked. Or tried to, anyway. The liquor had clearly had its effect, and she started to slip. His hand was on her leg, steadying her, before he realized he was moving.

He moved back quickly, but not before he’d noticed how her skin felt under the palm of his hand, and he really, _really_ should not have been drinking because all he could think about was putting his hand back and moving it slowly upwards.

Rey’s eyes were on his, and for a moment she seemed to be at a loss for words. Then she shook her head. “But – you hate Hux!”

He shrugged. “Yeah, but we still hang out. He’s a good wingman.”

Her mouth dropped open in horror. “Hux is your _wingman_? You take dating advice from _Hux_??”

“What? No! I just… well, maybe _sometimes_ I’ve taken his advice. I mean,” he said, defensive, “you can’t deny he’s good at getting dates.”

“Dates,” she snorted, and he could hear the air quotes around the word. “Kylo. Hux is a total ass. He doesn’t ‘date,’ he just uses women for sex until they get sick of his shit.”

_He’s not that bad,_ Kylo wanted to lie, but he had barely opened his mouth when she lifted a hand to stop him.

“I know someone who went out with him once, OK?” she said, her voice tight. “He was borderline abusive. He was always making her feel bad about herself. He never acted like a normal boyfriend. He was never even nice.”

“Well, some women react well… to… “ His voice withered under her glare. “He probably didn’t mean to hurt her feelings?”

Rey snorted again. “Sure,” she said, her voice dripping sarcasm. “I’m sure that when he told her she was getting old and fat and he could do better, it was all just an innocent misunderstanding.” She paused. “I’m surprised Hux dates women at all, actually. I thought he liked _you_.”

It took a minute for Kylo to stop coughing long enough to breathe again. “What??”

She shrugged. “I mean, I get that bisexuality is a thing, I just didn’t think he’d be dating other people. Let alone giving you dating advice.”

“Hux doesn’t like… I mean. There has never been anything like that between us,” he said, firm.

“Right, but he wanted there to be something,” she said, certain. “I saw the way he looked at you, we all did. And then suddenly he was always upset with you, and I just assumed, well –“

“That he was secretly in love with me, and that’s what drove us apart?” Kylo asked, flat. “That’s absurd.”

… was it, though?

_“Yes. Completely absurd,”_ mind-Hux huffed. Kylo couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t sound convinced, either.

“My question,” he said out loud. He thought quickly, eager to get away from the current topic of conversation as quickly as possible. He was in such a hurry that when he heard himself say “Why do you like Christmas?” it came as a surprise.

Rey shrugged. “Everyone likes Christmas,” she said. “It’s just one of those things.”

“I don’t,” he pointed out.

“Right,” she said, looking slightly embarrassed. She was silent for a minute, her brow creased in thought.

“The truth is, I didn’t always like Christmas either,” she said. She spoke as if she was confessing a shocking secret.

And Kylo was actually shocked. Because sure, he didn’t like Christmas, but – that was him. This was _Rey_. Rey, the perpetually optimistic. Rey, who acted as if candy canes were only slightly less vital to life than air.

“You?” he couldn’t help saying. “You’ve had your desk covered in those twinkly lights for, like, a month.” He could feel his ears reddening as she looked at him, surprise clear in her eyes. He hadn’t meant to admit to noticing.

“Yeah, well. That’s now,” she said. “Back then, I was –“ She let out a deep breath. “It wasn’t a good time for me. I mean, it’s one thing to not have a family during the rest of the year, but on Christmas? Then it’s just…”

She trailed off, but Kylo didn’t need to hear the end of the sentence. He knew exactly what she meant. His parents had been home every year for the annual Organa-Solo Christmas party on the 21st. On the 25th, thought? Not so much.

And when they were home, it was almost worse. His mother would inevitably leave the room before presents were opened, claiming to have a migraine. His father would follow her upstairs shortly after. And he would sit there, opening presents with Threepio bustling around nervously in the background, and wondering what he’d done wrong. Wondering why, on a day that was supposed to be about family, his own family couldn’t spend an hour in the same room.

“Yeah,” he sighed.

If Rey noticed, she didn’t let it show. “Anyway, for a while I felt like if I couldn’t have Christmas on my terms, I just didn’t want it, you know? I wanted a real Christmas with my real family, and if I wasn’t going to have that, I didn’t want anything.” He nodded.

“But then – I guess I just realized what I was missing,” she continued. “I saw Finn and his mom getting ready for Christmas, and I thought – am I really going to avoid this for the rest of my life? I mean, I could live another seventy years. OK, so my childhood sucked, but the rest of my life doesn’t have to.”

Huh.

Rey seemed to shake herself out of a spell. “That was probably more than you wanted to know,” she said, looking embarrassed.

He found himself reaching out, taking her hand. “Not at all,” he said. She looked at him, her eyes wide, and suddenly the air between them was charged with a strange energy. He found himself thinking, not for the first time, what it would be like to lean over and kiss her. Maybe she would kiss him back. Maybe they would fall back into bad, her lips hot against his, her skin soft under his hands.

_Maybe she would slap you, and then file a sexual harassment complaint with HR_ , he told himself.

“That still doesn’t explain the lights,” he told her. At her blank look, he added, “A month, Rey. You’ve had them up for a whole month.”

She gave him a small, sheepish smile, and even that took his breath away. “It’s a nice holiday, once you let yourself enjoy it,” she said, while he tried to bring his thoughts back to earth. “You should try it sometime.”

“I try,” he defended himself. She gave him a skeptical look. “I shopped for Christmas candy,” he pointed out. “I went to a Christmas party. And now here I am, drinking Christmas-flavored… whatever this is,” he concluded, holding up what remained of his cup of minty vodka.

She giggled, and raised her glass to solemnly tap it against his own. Her cheeks were pink, and he bit back a grin.

“Your question,” he said, his voice soft.

She looked away from him, fiddling with the bottle. “Hey,” he said. “Whatever you want to ask. That’s the point here, right?”

She nodded, but it was another minute before she spoke. And then - “I wanted to ask about the fire,” she said in a rush, and Kylo felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him.

Of course, of _fucking_ course she had heard the story, because of course everyone in town would be eager to share. And now she thought he was a murderer. Just like the rest of them.

“What about it?” he asked, wooden.

She lifted her eyes to meet his. “Why didn’t you tell them that you didn’t do it?”

For a moment he couldn’t breathe. “What makes you think I didn’t do it?”

She tilted her head to one side, thinking. “I mean, I can’t be completely certain. I wasn’t there. But it just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you’d do.”

_You don’t know me_ , he wanted to say. Wanted to scream. Instead, he put his head in his hands, his arms shielding his face from view, overwhelmed.

She saw it. How did she see what none of the rest of them could – not his classmates, not his neighbors, not even his own father?

He could feel another chunk of his heart breaking off, going to join the part that already belonged to her.

_Pass_ , he wanted to say. Should say. One word, and they would drop the subject. One more shot of mint vodka (probably) wouldn’t kill him.

Maybe it was the vodka that gave him a strange tingling feeling; that made him feel he had to talk. As if telling Rey what she wanted to know was as urgent as breathing. Whatever it was, instead of saying the one little word that would release him, Ben found himself starting to speak.

“What was the point?” he said. His voice was thick, and he hadn’t been this close to crying in front of another person in a decade. But he continued, unable to stop. “They’d made up their minds. All of them. Even if I could have convinced them it wasn’t me, they still would have thought I was the kind of person who would do that sort of thing.”

He paused. “And I wasn’t entirely convinced they were wrong,” he added. He spoke quietly, but in the dead silence of the room, he was sure she heard every word. “I wasn’t sure I wasn’t the kind of person who could do that kind of thing. I didn’t, but – I’ve done bad things, Rey. I’ve wanted to do terrible things. I’m not… I’m not good.”

His last words echoed in the silence. Rey sat, her eyes wide. Slowly, she reached for him, her hand extending to meet his.

Kylo stood, knocking over a chair in his haste. “I have to go,” he said. He was out the door before she could say a word.

*

Twenty minutes later, he was still pacing his room. At least he hadn’t punched the walls. Much.

Why did she have to ask him that? Why did he have to answer? And why – _why_ – did she have to give him that look? That look that said that she understood. That he wasn’t alone.

That look that left him feeling all the hurt and anger that stupid, worthless Ben had felt all those years ago.

This wasn’t him. Kylo Ren didn’t think this way; didn’t feel hurt, or loss. It was the town, the lights, Rey and those big brown eyes of hers. All conspiring to break him down, to stop him thinking like Kylo.

What would Snoke think of him now?

What must Rey think of him now?

It was the latter thought that had him struggling to calm his breathing. It was harder than it should have been. Snoke had always discouraged calm. Rage was fuel; anger made you stronger; jealousy and greed were the stuff of which sales were made. But there was no one to sell to here, nobody to seek power over. Only Rey and her pretty brown eyes, eyes that had held more than a hint of hurt as he had turned away from her.

What must she think of him?

_It doesn’t matter what she thinks of you_ , he told himself, savage. _Let her hate you. She should. She would, if she knew everything._

Two minutes later, he was knocking on her door.

She opened it slowly, and stepped into the doorway. While Kylo had been storming around his room adding to the hotel bill, Rey had clearly been preparing for bed. Her hair was damp, and she’d changed from her business clothes into pajamas covered with pictures of sleeping pandas.

“Kylo?” she prompted, and he realized he was staring again.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted. His fists clenched and unclenched as he waited for her answer.

“OK,” she said.

For half a moment, he wanted to storm off again. “OK”? He’d just given her the first intentional apology he’d given anyone in a decade, and all she could say was “OK”?

And then he met her eyes, and the fight went out of him.

He realized dimly that he should say something else, but his brain was too busy taking in every detail of her expression to think about words. Her posture was nervous but her eyes were soft, and he knew he shouldn’t kiss her – he really, really shouldn’t – but he found himself lifting a hand to cup her cheek.

“This isn’t me,” he said quietly, as his thumb traced a path toward her lips. “You know me, Rey, you know how I usually am. The past two days – this isn’t me.”

Her eyes were still on his, examining. Challenging.

“Maybe,” she whispered, “who you usually are isn’t you.”

It took all the willpower he had to drop his hand and step away. “Goodnight, Rey,” he whispered back.

An hour later, as he finally drifted off to sleep, he could still feel her skin under the pads of his fingers.


	9. Snowed in

Rey woke up hungover, again. And was immediately hit by a wave of new memories that involved her being overly friendly with Kylo Ren. _Again._

At least she hadn’t thrown herself at him again. Not that she hadn’t wanted to. She remembered the way he’d looked at her the night before, his hand warm as it wrapped around hers, his eyes so dark and so gentle.

The fact that Drunk Rey hadn’t jumped him then and there was nothing short of a miracle.

And who knew that they had so much in common? If you’d asked her a week earlier, she’d have said that he was just your standard rich, entitled jerk. Charming when he wanted to be, a total asshole when he didn’t. She would have said he’d never understand what it was to be rejected. To go without. To be completely, painfully alone.

She would have been wrong. He understood _everything_.

Operation “remind yourself why Kylo is terrible” was officially a disaster.

But they were going home today. She would go spend Christmas with her friends, as planned, and by the time vacation was over everything would be back to normal, with nothing connecting them but the occasional shared staff meeting.

Why did that suddenly depress her?                   

She pushed the thought away, forcing herself to get up and get ready. They had a flight at 8 am. She must have woken up just before the call she’d asked for from the front desk.

She stretched, rubbed her eyes, and poked around with her feet to locate her slippers. And then she looked at her phone, and realized it was after 9.

Looking back later, she realized she could have reacted better. Like, say, by _not_ running down the hallway like a madwoman and barging into Kylo’s room still in her panda pajamas, her hair sticking in every direction.

For once, he wasn’t dressed in a suit. He was wide awake, sitting at the table with his laptop open, wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt that showed off his massive arms.

“Rey – “ he started, surprised.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” she asked, her voice bordering on hysterical. “We must have missed our flight by now.” She forced herself to breath calmly. “Maybe there’s a later flight,” she said, half to herself. “We need to get to the airport _right now_ and see what they can do.”

“Rey,” he tried again.

“I had plans, Kylo!” she practically wailed.  

“Rey,” he said, louder, and something in his tone made her stomach sink. “Look out the window.”

The sinking feeling got worse as she approached the curtains. She could hear the wind howling outside as her hand grabbed the fabric. She threw it back, and looked out at a world that was pure, blinding white.

 

“Rey.” Kylo’s voice was muffled through the door.

“Go away,” she said, just loud enough for him to hear.

He wouldn’t, though. Or if he did, he’d come back. He’d been knocking every ten minutes for the past hour and a half. Ever since she’d turned and walked out of his room in silence, forced herself to shower, and then collapsed on her hotel bed in tears.

She’d sent a quick message off to Finn, but she hadn’t answered his calls. She didn’t want to talk right now.

“Rey, come on. You’re going to freeze in there.”

She frowned. She had felt it getting colder. She’d thought it was just her imagination, but maybe not.

Sighing, she forced herself out of bed. She still wanted to ignore the world and wallow in privacy, but Kylo was clearly determined to talk to her. She might as well get it over with.

She was shivering by the time she reached the door and wrenched it open. Yes, definitely getting colder.

Kylo was waiting just outside. The sweatpants and t-shirt had been traded for jeans and a warm jacket, and a small backpack hung over his shoulder. His look of relief was quickly replaced by a scowl as he looked her over. “Did you not notice the heat’s not working?” he demanded.

If she weren’t so cold, she would have blushed. “That explains a lot,” she admitted, sheepish.

He quickly shrugged out of his coat, rolling his eyes as he did so. “Take this,” he said, already wrapping it around her shoulders. He ignored her half-hearted sounds of protest.

“I can’t take your coat,” she forced herself to say as he walked into the room unasked, his huge frame making the space look suddenly smaller.

It was a nice coat, though. Soft, and leather, and most importantly, warm. A part of her balked at the thought of accepting Kylo’s clothing, of blurring one of the few lines that remained in their supposedly-professional relationship. A much larger part sighed in satisfaction, pulling it tighter around her body.

He shot her an amused look. “You’re doing me a favor,” he said. At her questioning look, he added, “Do you know how much paperwork I’d have to fill out if you died of hypothermia?”

“You’re hilarious,” she deadpanned.

His face turned serious. “You’re sad,” he said, the words almost a question.

Rey couldn’t help the tears that sprang to her eyes. “It’s stupid,” she sighed. Really, missing her plans for December 23rd was bad enough; knowing that nobody else would be this broken up about it just made everything worse. She wasn’t sure she could take the judgment in Kylo’s eyes.

But he didn’t look judgmental now, just concerned. “I’m, ah.” The corner of his mouth curved in half a smile. “I’m not really in a position to call anyone else over-emotional.”

Was that self-deprecation, from Kylo Ren??

She sighed and let herself slump down onto the bed, unable to keep up the attempt to hide her feelings in the face of his obvious concern. “It’s just… I had plans,” she sniffled, hating herself for sounding so defeated.

He sat down next to her. “I seem to recall someone telling me that we can still enjoy Christmas, even if it’s not exactly what we wanted,” he said.

She gave him a watery glare, but he met her glare with a smile, and her anger faded quickly.

“What did you have in mind?” she asked, cautious. If the answer involved more Uncle Jack’s Minty Madness, she was going to kick him into the hallway.

But what he pulled from his backpack was a laptop and a couple of paper bags. “Terrible Christmas movies and way too much candy?” he asked.

She grinned.

 

They sat together on the bed, wrapped in blankets. It was cold in the room, after all.

When the temperature dropped further, and turning up the thermostat didn’t do a thing, she shrugged off Kylo’s jacket and curled against his side for warmth. He looked surprised for a moment, then put an arm over her shoulder and pulled her closer. It was much warmer that way. He was like a human furnace.

When they were a half hour into the second movie – some cheesy hallmark special that the clerk at the front desk had had on DVD – she asked him to pause for a minute so they could talk. They needed to discuss their plans, after all. Maybe call the airline.

In short, it made sense that she was huddled against Kylo on her bed, under the blankets, with no movie to distract them. There had been a clear, logical set of steps leading to this. It was all perfectly innocent.

His was giving her that look again, the one that sent waves of heat through her, and suddenly it was too much.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she said, nudging his chest for emphasis. (Not enough to actually move him, of course, she still needed his body heat.)

“Like what?”

“Like – you know what,” she grumbled. “You give me those looks, and then you don’t…”

“Don’t what?” His eyes were, if possible, even darker, full of a strange mix of amusement, excitement, and what looked almost like fear.

It was the amusement that pissed her off enough to make her actually say it.

“You look at me like you want to kiss me, but then you don’t.”

There was a long silence. Rey scowled. If he thought he could embarrass her by making this awkward, he was wrong.

Slowly, his expression shifted to one of regret. “Rey. It’s not that I don’t… You’re a very attractive woman, it’s just –“

Oh fuck, he was trying to let her down easy. She decided to rethink the whole “not getting embarrassed” thing. This was going to be awful. This was going to be worse than the time she’d vomited in Poe’s car after prom, back when she’d barely known him.

And of-fucking-course she’d had to open her fat mouth during a blizzard. There would be nowhere to run to escape the awkward.

“ – it’s just that, you know. I’m your boss.” he continued. Her eyes snapped back to him, shocked. She couldn’t help but notice the tips of his ears were red.

“And I don’t want to make you –“

“You are so _not_ my boss,” she interrupted.

“Excuse me?”

“Seriously, why would you even think that you’re my boss? Luke is my boss.”

He gave her a bemused look. “Rey. I’ve been there way longer than you have.”

“Kylo,” she mimicked his tone. “I’m not saying you aren’t _older_. I’m saying you aren’t _my boss_.”

“It’s not my fault you can’t be bothered to learn the chain of command – “

“- I mean, by that logic, Luke is _your_ boss – “

“Look, I’ll make it simple for you,” he cut her off. “You’re a team leader, I’m the deputy chairman.”

“Actually, my official title is ‘Research Master,’” she corrected him.

“…What?”

She shrugged, and leaned in slightly, seeking his warmth. “Luke has his own system of titles.”

He reached out, and gently pulled her closer. “Should I be worried that Luke is setting up his own independent order under Snoke’s nose?”

“…no?” she ventured. He let out an amused huff.

“You know, Snoke wanted me in your department once,” she said, remembering.

Kylo snorted. “Once? Snoke is freaking obsessed with you. You should have seen him after you turned him down. I swear, for a month all I heard from him was,” he pitched his voice deeper, in a scarily accurate Snoke impression, “‘Where is the girl, Kylo? Bring her here.’”

Rey couldn’t help giggling almost hysterically. “Maybe I should have taken the offer,” she said, when she got herself under control. “Because then we’d be in the same department, and it would be absolutely, 100% clear that you are not –“

She was cut off by the look in his eyes, the intensity of his stare silencing her as effectively as an actual kiss. For a long moment he didn’t move, the look in his eyes a silent question that gave her stomach just enough time to start twisting itself into knots; gave her just enough time to wonder what the hell she was doing.

And then his lips were on hers, and thinking got a lot harder.

Rey had remembered their kiss from two nights earlier once or twice. Or a dozen times. Kylo’s mouth had been soft on hers then; uncertain.

This was something else entirely. Whether it was the intimacy of their current situation, the tension that had been building between them, or just that there was no small, creepy old man watching, this time he kissed her with an urgency that left her breathless.

Their mouths met again and again, until her whole body buzzed with need. Dimly, she sensed him pulling back, and her mouth chased his, eliciting a moan that sent heat through her like lightning.

He didn’t pull away a second time. Instead, he kissed her more deeply, while his hands began moving up her body tantalizingly slowly.

She was dimly aware that at one point, she hadn’t thought this was a good idea. But for the life of her, she couldn’t remember why. She was seeing the real Kylo Ren, now. And OK, he was a little awkward, but he was sweet, and brilliant, and kind. There was no reason to keep her distance; no reason for either of them to keep denying themselves.

She tugged on the front of his shirt and he rolled toward her, covering her body with his own. She felt a brief moment of panic. There was just so much of him. For a second she felt trapped, overwhelmed.

She must have flinched, because he pulled back slightly and looked at her. And Rey wasn’t sure what he saw in her face, but what she saw on his was desire, and awe, and nervousness, and before he could say a word, she was dragging him back down and kissing him senseless.

Time blurred, the world narrowing to the man in front of her, to the feel of his lips on her skin, his hair running through her fingers. He murmured senseless endearments as he kissed his way down her throat, which, she was discovering, was a turn-on of hers. His hands felt amazing on her body; so strong and large that she felt entirely at his mercy, but so gentle that being at his mercy didn’t bother her a bit. His leg was between hers, creating a delicious friction.

She only realized how far gone she was three seconds before her climax hit. She came with a soft cry, then forced herself not to curl up in embarrassment.

“Sorry,” she said, her cheeks burning. “That was – “

Kylo cut her off. “Nothing to be embarrassed about,” he said fervently, leaning in for another kiss. He murmured something against her lips that sounded like “so fucking hot.”

She met his kiss with enthusiasm, but he slowed it down, his hands more soothing now than frantic. Rey pulled away again, biting her lip. “Is something wrong?”

“No! No, just.” He sighed, his head dropping to her shoulder. “I am already kicking myself for saying this, but maybe we should take this slow.”

She snorted. “It might be a little late for that.”

“Slow-ish,” he amended, giving her a shy smile.

She watched him carefully. “That doesn’t sound like your usual style,” she said slowly.

He pushed himself back a couple of inches, but stayed on top of her, his weight suspended on his arms. Which was distracting. Damn, but he had nice arms. How did a guy in marketing get muscles like that?

“It’s your style, though,” he said carefully. “You seem like the kind of woman who has a third-date rule.”

She blushed. “Fourth-date rule, actually,” she admitted grudgingly. Not that she’d remembered any such thing a minute ago.

He smiled again. Which again – distracting. “Fourth date, then,” he said, brushing a kiss across her collarbone. “Or fifth,” he quickly corrected himself. “Or never. I mean… I didn’t mean - “

She shut him up with another kiss. This time she let her hands wander his body, brushing over the muscles she’d felt only vaguely before. Let herself reach down, to the hardness she’d felt against her thigh.

He gasped when she touched him. “What are you doing?” he asked, carefully.

“I had kind of hoped it would be obvious,” she answered. He watched her closely, his dark eyes half-lidded and more than a little desperate. “Is this OK?” she asked.

He swallowed. “More than OK. But this isn’t... You don’t have to - “ He broke off, his eyes conflicted.

“I want to,” she whispered, and leaned up to kiss him again.

She was gratified to find that he didn’t last much longer than she had. She felt his body grow tense, before; she heard how his endearments grew increasingly incoherent, until all he could say was her name.

 

“The airport will be open tomorrow morning,” Kylo announced the minute she walked out of the bathroom. Like her, he was freshly showered, and looked cold. The heat was back on – or so the clerk at the front desk claimed - but Rey could swear she was still half a degree away from being able to see her own breath. “We have an 8 am flight.”

She frowned, running her fingers through her hair. “What are we going to do from now until tomorrow morning?”

He gave her a wicked smile that sent heat all the way to her toes. “I had a couple of thoughts,” he said.

“Oh?” she teased.

He nodded. “What do you think of… sledding?”


	10. Revelation

Kylo had thought, back in the hotel room, that taking Rey sledding with his family would be the safe option. Safe, in that it was the only way he wouldn’t end up breaking his promise to himself to take things slow within a minute; wouldn’t beg her – on his knees, if need be – to forget everything he’d said and come back to bed with him.

He wanted her more than he’d ever wanted a woman before. It was quite possible that he wanted her more than he’d wanted anything, ever. He wanted every part of her – her kisses, her smiles, her optimism, her hands on his –

He dragged a hand down his face, forcing his mind away from that line of thought. _Not_ something he needed to be thinking about with his mother standing just a foot away.

Anyway. He wanted her, but he didn’t want this to be a one-time thing. And if he wanted her to stay around, he needed to show her that this was more than a random hookup for him. He needed to take things slow, respect her limits.

He had thought sledding would be safe.

But now, he was realizing that taking Rey sledding with his family was not in the slightest bit safe. His joke earlier about reporting Rey’s death to HR was far more macabre in retrospect. He was legitimately afraid for her life.

“Stop worrying so much,” his mother said, elbowing him. “They’re fine.”

“Chewie is a madman, and he’s going to get them killed,” he snapped. Only his lingering good mood from earlier kept the words at a normal volume.

“Chewie isn’t the one steering, dear,” his mother said airily. He blinked, then took a closer look at the small sled caroming its way down the hill behind his parents’ house. His mother was right, he realized; the figure in front was definitely Rey.

He could hear her whoop of delight as they broke free of the tree line – narrowly missing a massive pine – and hit the final descent. The sled raced down the hill and across the frozen lawn, spinning a few times before it finally stopped just feet from the porch.

They staggered off the sled, looking like nothing so much as snowmen come to life. Rey reached them first, slogging rapidly through the snow and slamming into him in what might have been a hug, or possibly an attempt at a tackle. He went with putting an arm gently around her shoulders as the safe response.

“That was amazing!” she yelled. “You want to come with us next time?”

_Next time???_ His nerves couldn’t take a ‘next time.’

He opened his mouth to tell her so, but his mother spoke first. “You two go ahead, dear,” she said, patting Rey’s arm. “Ben and I need to have a little talk.”

Rey nodded and bounded off as Kylo watched in a frozen stupor. _Come back_ , he wanted to yell, but he wasn’t sure whether he wanted her to stay safe with him on the porch, or whether he wanted to beg her to take him with. He looked at his mother, who wore the determined look he’d seen before some of his parents’ louder fights.

He definitely should have gone with Rey. Sledding into a tree was much safer than a Solo family heart-to-heart.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while,” Leia began. “Just… there’s always been some reason not to. Some excuse.”

So his mother was out of excuses. Well. He could help her come up with a few more. Maybe he could fake an urgent phone call from work. Or a heart attack.

She took a deep breath. “I need to talk to you about my family.”

He waited for a moment, but she was silent. “I know all about Anakin and Padme, mom,” he said, taking care to keep his voice gentle.

She shook her head. “Not them. _My_ family.”

His breath caught in his throat. “You mean – the ones who... ?” 

She nodded, her hands twisting together in front of her. He kept perfectly still, his mind a whirlwind. He’d heard of his mother’s adoptive family, of course; Luke had told him about them once. Bail and Breha. Foreign names for a foreign place, for the town in some far-away country that had been his mother’s home until she was nineteen.

Until it had been destroyed.

Luke had told him the story once, and warned him to never mention it again. His mother had never spoken of it, not once. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear her speak of it now.

“I saw it, you know,” she said. Her voice didn’t tremble, but there was something under her words, a reservoir of pain.

“You saw what?” he asked. Knowing as he said it that he didn’t want to know; knowing that he had to ask, had to give her this.

“I saw them die,” she said, baldly. “I was an intern with a local news team. It was supposed to give me valuable experience in getting at the truth, at least that’s what my fa – “ Her voice faltered. “Anyway. The weather team let me go up with them in the helicopter, just the once. It was supposed to be a quick, routine shot, you understand.”

“And instead, the dam blew,” he said, quietly. Said it, so that she wouldn’t have to.

She nodded. “It was all so quick.” Even all these years later, she sounded surprised. He could almost picture the girl she was back then. The shock, followed by dawning horror. “One moment, they were there, and then they just – weren’t.” She was silent for a moment, her eyes fixed on something only she could see. “They were such wonderful people, Ben. So _good_. So were my friends – I never told you about them… and our neighbors next door, such lovely people, I used to watch their children…”

She was the one reliving the horror, and he was the one trying not to cry. “Mom. You don’t have to tell me this,” he said. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“I do, though,” she said, sounding close to tears as well. “I pretend I don’t know what went wrong with us, Ben, but I do.”

“Nothing went wrong. I’m fine.” It was a lie, and not even a good one, but he was desperate.

She continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “The truth is, I didn’t want to love you.”

It physically hurt, hearing that.

“I’m not saying I didn’t!” she added, seeing his face. “I loved you so much. I couldn’t help myself. You were such a sweet little boy.” She smiled, lost in a memory. “But sometimes I would look at you, and I would just know – it could all be gone so fast. I loved you, Ben, but I couldn’t stop the world from taking you, too.” Her voice dropped to a near-whisper. “So I ran away. I tried not to, I tried to be a good mother, but,” she let out a short, harsh sound that was almost a laugh. “We both know I didn’t always succeed.”

They were both silent for a long moment.

“Why are you telling me this now?” he finally managed, his voice a dull rasp.

She sighed. “I thought – god, I was so stupid.” She met his eyes. “I thought that if I could pretend everything was fine, if I could pretend that I hadn’t hurt you, then maybe,” her voice broke. “Maybe it would be true.” She started crying, tears rolling silently down her cheeks. “But it only made it worse. I see that now.”

Slowly, he reached out and drew her into a one-armed embrace. The top of her head brushed the center of his chest. Had she always been so small?

They broke apart only when Rey and Chewie returned. Leia’s eyes were dry again, and she was wearing her usual smile – the one that said everything was just fine.

“Come on inside,” she said brightly, “I have hot chocolate for everyone.”

 

The rest of the afternoon seemed to pass on autopilot. He drank his hot chocolate, hung the star on the top of the tree, and even watched patiently as Han and Rey spent an hour fiddling with a broken engine.

And all the time, inside his head, pieces of his childhood were falling into place. The frequent work trips. The push and pull between his parents; how they could never live together, but never give each other up. And the holidays – the fights every Easter, the headaches every Christmas…

He wondered how it was that none of this had occurred to him before. Apparently he’d been so used to seeing his parents as, well, his parents, that he had never seen them as just Han and Leia. Even when he’d pushed them away, he’d only seen what they hadn’t given him. He had never seen them as just two people with their own fucked-up pasts to overcome.

Rey noticed his silence. She must have. Lord knew he was bad enough at acting natural when there was nothing wrong; trying to put a false face on something of this magnitude was doomed to failure. But she didn’t push. Not at his parents’ house, and not during the quiet drive back to the hotel.

She broke the silence only when they reached the door of his room. “Do you want to be alone, or…?” she asked, looking up at him from under the red woolen hat that his mother had insisted she take. He could see a couple of fat snowflakes still tangled in her eyelashes.

Instead of answering, he leaned down and kissed her.

Her lips were soft, and she tasted sweet and spicy and he loved it, and _this_ , this was what he had been wanting all evening. His mind seemed to pull together; the disjointed thoughts replaced by a wave of sensation.

She responded with a passion matching his own, twisting her fingers in his hair and pulling his mouth to hers with a fierceness that sent a jolt of pleasure through him.

Somehow, they made it into his room. He managed to control his urge to pull of her clothing, focusing instead on her soft neck and perfect mouth.

Rey, it turned out, felt no need to exercise similar control. He moaned as her hands stole under his shirt and moved slowly up his torso.

“Off,” she panted against his lips, and he obliged, removing his sweater and shirt in what must have been record time. She removed her own jacket and shirt, letting them fall to the floor behind her.

It was something new, being wanted this way. Sure, there had been women who’d wanted to touch him – he’d spent all those hours at the gym for a reason, and it had worked – but none of them had known him like Rey did. None of them had seen him acting like a slack-jawed moron in front of his high school crush, or panicking at the thought of talking to his mother, or going to pieces as he spoke about the worst parts of his past.

Rey had seen all of it. And yet here she was, pressed against him as if she hated the thought of any distance between them.

Vaguely, he felt that they were moving, felt his knees hit the back of the bed. Rey pushed him lightly and he let himself fall, laughing as she joined him. She straddled his waist, her cheeks flushed, her eyes shining.

“You look like an angel,” he said, not caring how cheesy it sounded. It was the truth.

He pulled her down to him, and their lips met again. This time, he let his hands wander, mapping out her lithe body, brushing over her breasts, eliciting a gasp.

“Rey,” he murmured, and then louder. “Rey. We should stop, we should…”

She ignored him, her mouth busy sucking at his earlobe. He moaned helplessly.

“You… fourth date…” he finally managed.

She hummed seductively. “We went to the store for candy. Date one,” she said, pausing to brush a kiss across his cheek.

“We went to a party. Date two,” she added. Her breath tickled his face.

“We had drinks. Date three,” he said, smiling.

Her answering smile was blinding. “And sledding. Which counts as date four. Even if you only watched,” she added, accusing.

He responded by wrapping an arm around her and rolling them over. Their bodies aligned perfectly, and the feeling as her thighs opened for him made his mind go temporarily blank.

“You’re sure?” he managed.

“Shut up and kiss me.”

He did as he was told.

Her breathy moan was just what he’d hoped to hear. What wasn’t, was the crashing sound of a very full briefcase hitting the floor, followed by several seconds of rustling noises.

“Fuck.”

She let out a breathy laugh. “I think that’s going to have to wait for a moment, actually.” She wriggled out from under him.

“Rey,” he said, grabbing her arm. “Forget the papers.”

“Let’s just deal with it now,” she said. “Because once I get back in bed with you, I’m not planning to come out for a while.”

When she put it that way… He sighed and sat up. Rey was already picking papers up and setting them neatly into the briefcase. He paused for a moment, appreciating the view as she leaned over to grab another file.

“Kylo,” she said.

“Huh? Right. Coming,” he said, standing to join her.

“Kylo.” There was something in her voice that made his blood run cold. “What the hell is this?”

“What is what?” His heart fell. Please, let it not be –

“I can’t say for sure,” she said, her voice trembling. “But it looks a lot like a contract to provide Gepta with surveillance tech and with our new laser guns.”

“Which is crazy,” she said, looking up at him. “Right, Kylo? Because that’s not what we agreed to, he said he was going to buy new equipment for his factory in Romania and that’s _all_ he was going to buy, right?”

Kylo closed his eyes, his head pounding.

“And those laser guns haven’t even been properly tested,” she added, her voice growing increasingly anxious. “There’s no way we’d sell them. This is a mistake. Right?” There were tears in her voice. “Kylo, tell me this is a mistake.”

“I can’t tell you that,” he said. “Rey, this is – he wanted the tech, and that’s what we do, we sell things.”

“We sell functioning tech to good people,” she said, her cheeks flushing. “Not this! This is _not_ what I came here for.”

“That’s not how business works, Rey,” he replied, fighting to stay calm in the face of her anger. “We can’t afford to sell only to people we like.”

“Look, I want Coruscant to succeed as much as anyone,” she said. “But Gepta is involved in some seriously shady shit, Kylo. Intimidating union bosses in Texas, that factory fire in – “

He saw the realization bloom in her eyes. It felt like a kick in the gut.

“You knew,” she whispered. “You knew this whole time.” She looked at him, her eyes blazing. “I didn’t come here for this, but you did, didn’t you? This was always the plan.”

“Rey – “

She stepped back, her hands going to her head. “I’ve been so stupid,” she said, her voice low.

Suddenly she was in motion, hastily pulling on her shirt, grabbing her jacket.

“Where are you going?” he said, desperate, as she jammed her feet into her shoes. “Rey, come on, let’s talk about this, you don’t have to – “

“Is the file fake?” she cut him off. “Does it not belong to you? Were you not planning this the entire time?” She spoke slowly, giving him plenty of time to respond. He said nothing. “Did you not know that I had no idea you were doing this, that I would never want to be a part of it?” She was crying, the tears running silently down her cheeks, but her voice was steady.

“No?” she said, after several seconds of silence. “Then we have nothing to talk about.”

And with that, she turned and walked out, leaving Kylo behind to ponder just how he’d managed to fuck things up this badly.

He started after her, then paused at the door, torn.

_Run after her_ , screamed every nerve in his body.

_She doesn’t want you to_ , said a cold, rational voice.

_She wants you,_ his body said. _You just need to apologize, you need to explain…_

_She doesn’t want you unless you cancel the sale,_ the voice said _. She doesn’t want you unless you’re willing to change for her._

_So change_ , the rest of him said.

_And throw away everything?_ The voice countered. _For what? For a fake girlfriend you barely spoke to before this week?_

He stayed where he was, his knuckles white on the doorframe, until a mother ushering her children down the hallway gave him a horrified look, and he realized he was standing there shirtless and bewildered and probably looking drunk as hell. He beat a hasty retreat to his room, rubbing his face as he did. His hand came back wet.

The debate continued all night. _Apologize. Don’t apologize. Forget her. Throw yourself at her feet._ _Hate her. Love her._

In the end, Rey decided for him. When he went to check out the next morning, the worker at the front desk informed him that she had left two hours earlier.

Kylo felt his hands clench into fists. _It’s for the best_ , a voice in his head whispered, as the worker took a quick step backward. _She made you weak. It’s for the best._


	11. Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo talk to their mentors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter needs a no-smut warning. Sorry, guys. Soon.

When she’d first heard she’d be travelling with Kylo, Rey had pictured herself returning home at the end of the trip with a sigh of relief, anxious to join her friends in celebrating.

Instead, she came home tired and aching and sad in a bone-deep way she hadn’t felt for years. Her head hurt, her stomach hurt, and part of her heart had been left with a stupid, pretty-eyed man who didn’t deserve it.

She’d left early that morning, anxious to put distance between herself and Kylo as quickly as possible – only to realize that in an airport that size, ‘distance’ wasn’t really an option. She’d feigned fascination with what was happening outside the window (nothing. Nothing was happening) rather than look at him. He had sat on the other side of the waiting area looking sad, which was completely unfair. It was him choosing to break her heart, not the other way around.

As soon as they boarded the plane, she’d found someone to trade seats with. She’d spent the flight next to a hyperactive four-year-old boy who’d spent the entire time making loud whooshing noises as he rolled his toy airplanes across the seat, and occasionally up Rey’s arms. It had been worth it.

She pasted a smile on her face as she entered the house. Just because she was having a bad day was no reason to bring her friends down.

“What’s wrong?” Finn asked, the moment he saw her.

_Nothing, just a long flight,_ is what she wanted to say. Instead she opened her mouth, closed it, and burst into tears.

It took her a couple of minutes to calm down enough to tell Finn and Rose what had happened. Well – the G-rated version, anyway.

“Want me to kick his ass for you?” Finn said when she was finished.

She managed a smile. “Sweet of you,” she said dryly, “but no thanks. I can fight my own battles.”

Plus, even though Finn was plenty strong, Kylo would knock him flat on his ass. She didn’t say that, though. There were things that no guy was ready to hear; not even one as nice as Finn.

Rose patted her back, her brow furrowed. “What are you going to do?” she asked tentatively.

Fresh tears sprang to Rey’s eyes, and Rose looked guilty. “I don’t know,” Rey admitted. “I’m not sure if I can stay there, after this. How can I work to make better tech if I know it’s going to someone like Gepta?”

Finn nodded. “And how can you stay in an office with someone like Kylo?” he asked, his face betraying his anger.

Rey listened half-heartedly as her friends discussed her options (report Kylo to HR (Rose), set Kylo’s car on fire (Finn), leak the story about Coruscant’s weapons sales to a trustworthy reporter (Rose), sell better weapons to Gepta’s enemies (Finn)). She had thought that telling Finn and Rose what had happened would make her feel better. But she still felt as though something heavy was sitting on her chest; as if she was holding back most of the story.

Which, to be fair, she was.

She’d told her friends what had happened, yes, but she’d let them believe that she had seen the light; that all she felt for Kylo now was fury. And she wanted that to be true. She wanted to be rational, decisive; she wanted to kick Kylo out of her life without a backwards glance. They’d spent three days together, and he’d spent one of those days sulking like a child and the other two lying to her. She’d be an idiot to miss him.

Oh, but she missed him. She missed the way he looked at her, as if nothing in the world mattered more than what she was thinking. She missed the way he understood her better than anyone else ever had, herself possibly included. She missed the way his rare smiles lit up his face. She missed the way he touched her, as though she were something precious.

And she couldn’t stop believing that at heart, Kylo was a good man. He’d built a thick layer of hostility and aggression around him, but she’d seen what was underneath, and now she couldn’t think of him without remembering him at his best. Him as he was when it was just the two of them.

Her friends would never understand. If she told them everything it would only make them nervous. Rey could see why. Heck, if she heard a friend describing this situation, she’d be worried, too. "But he's nice to _me_ " was a classic red flag for a reason.

She just wished there was someone she could talk to who might understand; who wouldn’t write her off as another misguided soul letting her heart blind her to what her eyes could see. Someone who she could trust to be unflinchingly honest.

And then she remembered.

 

Rey’s stomach clenched as the phone rang. Maybe this was a bad idea. But before she could hang up, she heard a curt, “Hello?”

“Um. Hi. This is Rey?” She winced. “From Leia’s party.”

“Of course. Rey. How are you?” Jyn asked, her voice warm.

“I’m sorry to bother you. I just – I didn’t know who else to call.”

“Don’t apologize,” Jyn said. “Are you alright?”

“I – “ To her horror, tears welled up in her eyes. “I’m not hurt.”

“Hold on a second, OK?” She heard a rustling from the other end, and a low grunt of pain. “Sorry, just finishing something over here. Now,” Jyn ordered. “Tell me what happened.”

“It’s Kylo,” Rey admitted. “I just – I really like him, even though I shouldn’t, and he’s such an asshole, and…” The tears were dripping down her cheeks, now. “Can you keep a secret?”

She told Jyn everything. And this time, she didn’t hold back the pathetic, ugly truth that she’d taken care to hide from Finn and Rose – the fact that there was a part of her, and not a small part, either, that still wanted him.

“Sounds like a rough few days, hon,” Jyn said when she finished her story.

Rey sniffled. “The thing is, he’s not a bad person,” she said. _It would be easier if he was._ “I mean, I can certainly see why people think he is. And he doesn’t try to change their minds, either.” She sighed. “But there’s a lot of good in him. It’s just this horrid boss of his.”

Jyn’s voice was sharp. “His boss?”

Rey nodded. “Yeah. This creepy old guy with no morals. He has Kylo doing all these awful things, and the problem is, he thinks it’s normal, now. Or even when he doesn’t think it’s normal, he does it anyway, because – well, it’s Snoke. He’s been working for him since he was a teenager, and I guess…” she sighed. “I guess he thinks he doesn’t have a choice.”

She heard Jyn sigh softly on the other end of the line. “He’s not used to thinking for himself,” the other woman said, as if to herself. “He trusts his boss more than his own conscience.”

“Exactly,” she said, relieved at being understood.

Jyn sighed again, louder this time. “I wish I could tell you there’s an easy solution, kid,” she said. “But the truth is, he’s the one who has to want to change.”

“Do you think he might?” Rey couldn’t help asking.

There was a long silence. “You never know,” Jyn said. “I don’t want to give you false hope. But… stranger things have happened. Don’t cut him any slack for being good on the inside, though,” she added immediately, as if worried Rey would take too much encouragement from her words. “I don’t deny he was a sweet kid, and maybe he still is. But if he lets this Snoke make decisions for him, being good on the inside won’t matter for much.

“And don’t waste your life waiting for him, yeah?” she said. “You’re a good kid. Go out there and live your life, and trust that what’s meant to be, will be.”

After thanking Jyn repeatedly and promising to keep in touch, Rey hung up. She felt drained, but lighter. Not for the first time, she wondered at how the simple act of sharing her feelings could make them easier to bear.

She still had no answers, but somehow, she felt better anyway. Good enough to join her friends in caroling, and even to laugh with them almost as much as usual. And if her eyes were suspiciously bright at times, they were kind enough to pretend not to notice.

*****

“Look around. The twinkling lights, the pretty trees, a Santa on every corner. This time of year makes me sick.”

Kylo tried to tune his boss out as he worked his way slowly through the stack of files.

“All these idiots, celebrating because a baby was born 2,000 years ago. Not that _that_ even happened.” Snoke’s voice was full of the contempt it always held when he discussed humanity. “You know how I know that Jesus wasn’t real?”

Kylo grunted when it became clear Snoke was looking for some kind of response from him. He had no patience for the old man today. He was tired and confused and everything hurt.

“Because a man like that would be torn to pieces,” Snoke said, sounding cheerful about it. “’Turn the other cheek’? Real life doesn’t work that way. The strong survive, the rest get destroyed.”

“I believe Jesus is, in fact, said to have been killed,” Kylo said. Fuck, but his head hurt. Maybe he’d caught a bug in Crystal Pines. Ever since he’d come back, he’d felt awful.

Of course, it could also be the fact that it was only 6:30 in the morning – Christmas morning -  and he’d been in the office for an hour already, because his boss was a sadist. There was nothing here that couldn’t wait for another week.

Not that he had had plans, anyway.

Snoke snorted. “Christmas,” he said, the word dripping scorn. “The only holiday worth celebrating in this country of yours is Columbus day. The strong conquer the weak, and take whatever they want. Now there’s a story that teaches kids what life is really like.”

_This country of yours_. Not for the first time, Kylo wondered where the hell Snoke was from. Some child’s nightmare, probably.

He had spent over a decade of his life trying to please this man. No, not just to please him – he had wanted to _be_ him. He had given everything. He had given up _Rey_ , for fuck’s sake; had let her walk away as if she wasn’t taking his heart with her. All for the dream of maybe, someday, being the one on the other side of Snoke’s desk. Of being the one people admired, envied, feared. The dream of being the one to make a room go silent, just by opening his mouth to speak. Of proving them all wrong.

Now, he found himself looking at Snoke and struggling to remember _why_ he wanted any of that. It was still his dream to be like Snoke, of course. It must be – otherwise what had the last ten years of his life been for?

But why was it his dream? What part of being this cruel, vain, despot of a man had appealed to him? What had made him think that earning Snoke’s approval was worth hurting someone he cared for, someone who was kind and brave and good?

He sighed.

Snoke’s gaze focused on him, eyes sparkling with a new interest. “Rough night?”

“No, sir,” Kylo said. “Just irritated with whatever incompetent moron wrote this report.” That was an emotion even Snoke should be able to understand.

“Hmm.” Snoke leaned back. “I thought maybe you’d been busy with that hot piece of ass I sent to Crystal Pines with you.”

Kylo’s hand tightened around the pen. “Rey and I aren’t together,” he ground out.

“Come on, boy,” Snoke said, leering. “What’s the point of having a girl who looks like that working with you, if you aren’t even going to try to – “

“Rey is very good at her job,” Kylo blurted.

He expected Snoke to be angry at the interruption, but instead he looked delighted, as if Kylo had just proved a pet theory of his.

“Is she now,” he practically purred. “How very interesting. Well. Perhaps I should be working with her more closely, then.” Kylo could feel his blood pounding in his ears. “I’m sure I could find her a suitable… position.”

He was out of his chair before he even realized that he was moving. “No.”

“No?” Snoke’s face was lit with an unholy glee. “Oh, but you don’t give the orders around here yet, do you, boy? If I want to get to know the girl’s work more _intimately_ , well – that’s what I’ll do.”

Kylo had been angry before. Many, many times. Anger was an old friend, one that came raging in, filling his limbs and lungs and very essence, screaming for release.

He’d never felt anything like this, though. This wasn't an anger that burned like wildfire. This was a hatred as cold and inexorable as the bottom of the sea.

He took a step closer to Snoke’s desk. Snoke stayed seated, leaning back casually, but his hands were trembling. His eyes stayed on Kylo’s, waiting to see what he would do.

The truth was, Kylo didn’t know what he wanted to do. Curse Snoke? Hit him?

“I quit.”

… Oh. He wanted to throw away his career. Well then.

Snoke’s snarl made him look inhuman. “You can’t quit,” he said. “Don’t be stupid.”

“This is what we’ve been talking about, Kylo,” he continued, his voice switching suddenly from fury to sorrow. “You get these notions in your head, you start thinking you’re some kind of moral crusader. This isn’t the knights of the round table, boy, this is business. Here, we go after what we want, and we get it.” He smiled then - a patient smile, almost paternal. “Your passion could be your greatest strength, you know. But you need to stop letting it pull you away from your true calling. Stop throwing it away on people who don’t want it, or deserve it. Use it to go after what _you_ want.”

Kylo was silent for a long moment, letting Snoke’s words sink in. The older man’s smile grew wider. And then,

“That’s what I’m doing,” Kylo said. He turned and walked to his desk, packing his briefcase with a calm he would never have expected to feel in this moment. Snoke remained seated, his mouth opening and closing with no sound.

Kylo closed his briefcase with a snap. “Merry Christmas,” he called over his shoulder, before the doors shut behind him, leaving Snoke alone in the Coruscant offices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (In my head this story's Jyn is the same as the Jyn in my story Had to be (you and me). But any version of Jyn would understand the problem of pretty-eyed men with amoral bosses.)


	12. Tis the season

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! My computer died, it was a whole thing.
> 
> I should probably warn you that this chapter gets a lot smuttier than your average Hallmark movie.

“Has anyone seen my left boot?”  “Where are the cookies? Poe, if you ate them all again, I swear...” “Where are my car keys???”

Rey rolled her eyes in fond exasperation as her friends dashed frantically through the house. Her own bag had been packed since the night before.

If all went according to plan, they would be leaving in ten minutes to start the drive to Rose’s house. They’d drop Poe off at his parents’ house on the way, while Rey would continue on to join Finn at the Ticos.

With all the noise her roommates were making, it took her a minute to realize someone was knocking on the door. She sighed. It could only possibly be the downstairs neighbors, and frankly, she didn’t blame them at all.

Her mouth was already open to apologize when she opened the door.

She wondered, dimly, if she was having a mental breakdown. Because there was no way that she was seeing what she thought she was. There was no way that Kylo Ren was actually standing outside her apartment in a suit and tie at seven o’clock on Christmas morning.   

She had to hand it to whatever part of her brain was responsible for delusions. It looked exactly like Kylo, from the crisp white of his shirt, to the smatter of freckles on his hands, to the look in his eyes; that mix of pain and hope that had been haunting her ever since she sat with him in a small-town hotel room and listened to him talk about his family.

He opened his mouth to speak, but the voice she heard was Finn’s. “Oh, HELL no.” His words were punctuated by the sounds of angry footsteps coming closer to the door. Rey winced. Hopefully the downstairs neighbors were out of town.

Finn took his place at her left, angling himself so that he partially blocked her from Kylo’s view. “Get out of here,” he told Kylo.

Rey felt like she should maybe say something, but she was still trying to wrap her mind around the idea that he was really there. Not that she hadn’t imagined seeing him again, but her half-formed daydreams had involved a random encounter at work. One in which she’d look stunning, and be far more articulate than she had ever been in real life, and Kylo would realize what a jerk he had been.

She hadn’t even thought to imagine him turning up at her door. A part of her wanted to join Finn in telling him to leave. A larger part wished she was wearing something nicer than her most comfortable leggings and old college sweatshirt.

“Rey, can we talk?” Kylo said, ignoring Finn. He was tall enough to simply peer over the other man’s head, which was clearly not making Finn happy. Rey saw her friend’s left hand curl into a fist.

“Woah there,” she heard, and suddenly Poe was at the door, smiling at everyone as if they were a group of best friends sitting down to drinks, and not on the verge of a fight. “Kylo. Hey. We’re a little busy now, maybe you could have this conversation later? Or never? Whatever Rey prefers.”

“Please,” Kylo said softly. “Just one minute.”

Poe looked at her, a silent question in his eyes. Finn looked at her, clearly expecting her to tell Kylo to shove it. Kylo’s look was pleading. Somewhere behind her, Rose was probably staring at her too.

“One minute,” she said. Poe pulled Finn outside as he began to protest. “We’ll just wait in the car,” he said, awkward. Rose gave Rey a tentative smile as she rushed past.

And then she was alone with Kylo, who seemed more surprised at what had just happened than she was. He stepped in the door carefully, as if the floor might conceal a minefield.

She crossed her arms and stared at him expectantly.

Kylo ran a hand over his face. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that.”

She kept her face as still as she could. “Fifty-five seconds,” she said.

His mouth twisted. “I guess I deserve that,” he mumbled. He took a deep breath. “I just wanted to let you know that you were right. And I’m sorry.”

“I was right about a lot of things,” she said. “Were you referring to any one of them in particular?”

“You were right about Snoke,” he said, as if the confession hurt. “And you were right, I should have been honest with you.”

“And you shouldn’t be such an asshole in general.”

“And that,” he agreed.

He went quiet, seemingly content just to look at her. She hated to admit it, but he looked amazing. Really, it wasn’t fair that anyone could look that good before eight in the morning.

He shifted from one foot to the other as she stared back. His eyes were wide with some intense emotion, earnestness and anxiety and something Rey couldn’t name.

“Rey, I – “ he started, just as she said, “So what are you going to do about it?”

“I – what?”

Her arms tightened across her chest. “You told me you were wrong,” she said. “Which is great to hear, and everything, but I already knew you were wrong. So why is this a big revelation, Kylo? What’s so urgent that you wanted to talk about it right now, on Christmas morning?” She paused. “You have ten seconds.”

She realized with a start that she wanted him to somehow, magically make things better in those ten seconds. That just made it worse. _I wanted to trust you_ , she thought.

“I quit my job,” he blurted. “I – “ He went quiet again, and Rey swallowed past the lump in her throat.

“I wanted you to know that it meant something to me,” he said. His eyes were on hers, so intense she could fall into them and drown. “It wasn’t just a fling to me, and I wasn’t trying to trick you. I think the past three days were the best in my life. It was amazing, Rey. You’re amazing.” He drew a shaking breath. “And you should know that. You should know the effect you had.” A wry smile flashed across his face for half a second. “You did get through to me in the end,” he said. “It just took a while, because I was busy being stubborn, and arrogant – “

“And dishonest,” she cut in.

He nodded. “And that.”

“You really quit your job?”

“Yes,” he said, as if it were no big deal. As if he weren’t turning Rey’s view of him on its head – again – and leaving her confused as hell and unsure whether she wanted to kiss him or strangle him. _Again_. “Coruscant Industries is officially without a VP of marketing as of 6:35 this morning. Snoke is furious.” He gave her a look that was almost amused. “Maybe that can be my Christmas present to you.”

She tilted her head, studying him carefully, then shook her head. “I don’t think so,” she said.

He watched her nervously. “What?”

She took a step closer. “I think I’m going to need a better present than that,” she told him.

“Rey, I – “ he started, his brow wrinkling in confusing.

His voice cut off as she pulled gently at his tie, bringing his face closer to hers. For a second, she took in his expression; his pupils blown, his lip lightly trembling.

Then she kissed him, and like before, the world fell away. Rey could feel herself forgetting the past, and all the reasons not to do this. Kylo’s lips were on hers, his arms were around her, and she felt giddy and warm and safe, and all she wanted in life was more of this.

She moaned as he pulled away. “Rey,” he managed, swallowing hard. “I wasn’t – I’m not saying this to get a reaction out of you. I really wasn’t trying to – “

“Kylo,” she interrupted. “Do you want this?”

“Fuck yes,” he breathed.

She tilted her head back to meet his eyes. “So stop overthinking it.”

He kissed her again, hot and urgent, and Rey let herself give in to the sensation.

A part of her still worried. After all, Kylo had decided to change his ways just under an hour ago. This was probably a very stupid thing to do.

But – it was Christmas. If ever there was a time for second chances, for letting love win over fear, it was Christmas.  

It was also an excellent day for a little self-indulgence. And this was certainly that. Her body hummed with pleasure as Kylo’s hands made their way under her layers of clothes and across her ribcage. Her own hands went to his chest, and starting fumblingly undoing his buttons.  

They stumbled backwards, until her back hit the wall of the hallway. He pressed against her, sending a shiver of pleasure through her. But she still wanted more, needed more. She eagerly helped Kylo pull off her sweater. The feeling of his bare chest through the thin layer of her t-shirt was better, much better, but still not enough.

“My room?” she suggested, tugging gently at his ear with her teeth (an activity which, she noticed, he seemed to like very much).

Kylo’s response was an incoherent noise, which he followed up by hoisting her up, her legs on either side of his torso. Apparently he agreed, then.

They were halfway down the hallway when she heard the knock on the door. “Ignore it,” she urged, but whoever it was only knocked harder. Suddenly Rey jerked backwards, the memory of where she was – and what she was supposed to be doing – rushing back.

Kylo leaned back into the wall, his eyes shut, while she raced to the door, one hand clutching her sweater to her chest while the other made wild attempts to smooth her hair.

She opened it to see Rose’s curious face looking back at her. She never would have thought she could be less than happy to see Rose, but apparently she could.

On the other hand, at least it wasn’t Finn who’d come to check on her. That could have ended badly.

Rose looked Rey over, and it was clear she was taking in her messy hair, swollen lips, and what – Rey could admit – was probably a half-dazed expression. Rose’s mouth opened, closed, opened again.

“I’ll make your excuses to Finn and Poe,” she finally managed.

Rey’s eyes teared up as she hugged Rose tightly. “You’re the actual best,” she said, meaning it. 

Rose nodded, and gave her a small, wicked smile. “Have fun,” she said.

Rey let the door close behind her, and looked at Kylo. Ben. Who was looking back at her as if he couldn’t understand what he was seeing.

“You’re staying?”

She bit back a smile. “I mean, I got the sense we were in the middle of something,” she said. “But if I was wrong, I can just run downstairs and – “

She laughed as he closed the space between them and drew her in for another kiss. “Please don’t,” he said when their lips finally parted.

This time, they made it to the bedroom. Rey made a sound of protest as he set her gently down on her feet, kissing her again. This was nice and all, but she wanted him naked and in the bed already. Kylo grinned against her mouth. “Patience,” he said, the rough timbre of his voice sending a shiver through her.

She responded by nipping at his lower lip as she pressed herself against him. Kylo groaned, and she smiled. If he wanted to drive her crazy, well – two could play at that game.

“Naughty girl,” he chided, and she felt her body pulse with need. Well. There was a kink she hadn’t realized she had.

“Please,” she whispered, as he palmed her breasts through her shirt.

He looked at her, his eyes impossibly dark. “Please what?”

She groaned. “Please just fuck me already.”

He lowered his head to suck at her collarbone, eliciting another moan. “Fine,” he said. “But next time, I’m going to take my time.”

He helped her remove what remained of her clothing, and his clothing, and she sighed in satisfaction at the feeling of his bare skin against hers. Then shrieked as Kylo practically threw her into the bed, his arms around her to cushion her landing.

He saw her shocked look and smirked. “You said you wanted fast.”

“Yes, but not – _ohhhh_ ” she broke off, as he took a nipple in his mouth. Never mind, fast was wonderful. Fast was perfect.

She murmured his name as she drew him back up, drew him into her. “ _Rey_ ,” he said, strangled, and then, “fuck, that feels good.”

Rey could only agree. His body and hers fit together so perfectly that she couldn’t believe that they hadn’t been doing this earlier. All those months that she’d known him and hadn’t tried to get him naked. Such a waste.

She wrapped her legs around him and he groaned, then started moving, hitting spots she hadn’t even realized existed; making her see stars.

 _Seriously_ , how had they not been doing this before? Well, she thought, they would just have to make up for lost time.

After that, she found it hard to think of much of anything. There was only Kylo, his body pounding into hers, her nails down his back. When she came, only his lips on hers kept her from screaming his name loudly enough to wake up the whole damn building.

He followed her a moment later, with a string of half-coherent curses interspersed with _god, Rey_ and _so beautiful_.

She wasn’t sure how long they lay there afterward. Time seemed to have lost its meaning. Most things had lost their meaning, other than the strange, beautiful man beside her and the glorious things his body could do to hers.

After a few minutes, she finally forced herself out of bed and into the shower.

Some time after that, he came to join her. As it turned out, he was serious about taking his time the second time around.

All in all, Rey thought drowsily, four orgasms later, it had been an excellent Christmas morning.

*

Kylo would have been happy to stay in bed with Rey in his arms all week.

He still couldn’t believe this was real. It was so much more than he expected. So much more than he deserved. He couldn’t believe that this gorgeous, kind woman had given him a second glance, let alone chosen him in this way. And on Christmas.

He felt a twinge of guilt. Christmas. He knew how much Rey loved this holiday. And while he was deeply flattered that she had chosen to spend the day with him – and he couldn’t regret the way they’d spent the morning -  he wished he could also give her something more… Christmas-y.

He stared up at the ceiling, his mind working at the problem. He didn’t have a present for her, and he didn’t know of any stores that were open today. She had a tree in her living room, so at least there was that. Maybe he could make her cookies or something. All he had to do was find a recipe, and bake successfully for the first time in his life.

He sighed. Cookies were out.

It’s not that it would be a bad Christmas. It just seemed rather anti-climactic. After the time they’d spent in Crystal Pines, surrounded by holiday cheer on every side, a quiet, present-free day wouldn’t feel very special.

And then it hit him. An idea that, just last week, he would never in a million years have entertained. And now – if it would put a smile on her face, he would do it in a heartbeat.

“Rey,” he said softly. “You awake, sweetheart?”

She lifted her head and graced him with a drowsy smile. “Hey.” Even that simple greeting had his heart beating double time.

“Hey. I was thinking… we could still have a real family Christmas, if you want.”

She gave him a bemused look. “Kylo, it’s almost eleven. I think most people have finished with Christmas morning by now.” She ran her fingers up his arm. “It’s OK. This is good, too.”

He smiled at her, but inside, he had his doubts. Nobody who put up their Christmas decorations in November was truly fine with missing the holiday celebration completely.

Despite his reluctance to move, he made himself sit up and start looking for his clothes. “Where are you going?” Rey asked, pouting.

“Just going to make a phone call,” he said. “You rest.” She was halfway back to sleep before he finished speaking.

Kylo finished tying his shoes and checked his watch. He had five and a half hours to go to give Rey an amazing Christmas. And if it meant doing things he’d vowed to never do again, well – that was a price he was willing to pay.

 

“Where are we going?” Rey was wide awake after her late-morning nap, and looking adorable in a green and red sweater and red hat.

He gave her what he hoped was a mysterious look. “You’ll see.”

She made a face at him. “You’re lucky you’re cute,” she grumbled.

He could feel his ears turning red. He’d had women compliment his body before, but “cute” was a first.

He struggled to keep his eyes on the road as they approached their destination. He really wanted to see Rey’s face when she saw where they were heading.

At first, she just looked confused. “What are we doing here?”

He grabbed the bag he’d packed while she was sleeping from the backseat. “We’re going flying.”

Her reaction did not disappoint. “You have a plane?”

He nodded, pointing to the four-seater plane he’d bought the year before. It had been an indulgence, to be sure; he barely had time to sleep, let alone fly. But he had more money than he knew what to do with, really, and he’d always dreamed of having his own plane.

Rey’s eyes darted from him to the plane, and back. “Can I fly?” she asked, looking almost shy.

He tried not to look too surprised. “You know how to fly?”

She nodded eagerly. “I can fly all kinds of things,” she said. “Well. Maybe not a jumbo jet. But small planes, helicopters… I love flying.”

He looked at the plane. It had cost over $200,000. He had never told anyone he knew that it existed, let alone let them behind the controls.

He took a deep breath. “Sure,” he said. “You can fly.”

Her smile was worth everything he’d spent and more.

 

The view from the plane was beautiful. The air was clear and the skies were blue. Below them, sun shimmered off the snow, interspersed with the dark green of pine.

“So where did you get your pilot’s license?” he asked.

“License?”

He frowned. “You said you know how to fly.”

She was quiet.

“You do have a license, right?”

“Look at that river. So pretty.”

“Rey.”

 

He had to admit, license or no license, Rey landed the plane as smoothly as he ever had.

He was halfway out of the plane when he realized that she wasn’t moving. “Everything OK?”

“Sure,” she said. She let out a huff of air. “I just can’t believe you brought me here.”

His heart sunk. “I’m sorry.   I just… I thought it would be nice to – “

“No, Kylo, it’s perfect,” she said, cutting him off. She turned to him, her eyes sparkling. “Although your parents might get the wrong idea if I spend Christmas at their house.”

“I…” He was bright red, he could tell. “I kind of thought we’d be giving them the right idea.”

Instead of answering, she leaned over and kissed him. Kylo responded eagerly, his hands going to either side of her face.

Only the sound of his parents’ voices made him stop. “Damn it,” he said, frowning. “This was a bad idea.”

She giggled. “Come on,” she said, moving to unbuckle her seatbelt. “I bet your mom has more childhood photos for me.”

He groaned. “This was such a terrible idea.”

 

Leia did have more photo albums for them, as well as eggnog, his favorite brand of Christmas cookies, and the 10-foot tree she’d had brought in for the party earlier, covered in twinkling lights.

“I’ve been hoping that someday we could try a family celebration again,” she’d told him earlier, on the phone. “I think it’s time.”

And she really did look happy. Her eyes were suspiciously bright at times, but she was smiling with everyone else as they ate a late holiday lunch.

The big surprise was Luke, who had apparently been in town for two days already. “So why didn’t you meet with Gepta?” Rey had asked, more than a little suspicious.

“I felt your talents would be better suited,” Luke said.

Kylo smirked. “That means he couldn’t be bothered,” he translated.

Rey rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky I’m glad with how it turned out,” she told Luke.

“Hey,” Luke said, sounding like he couldn’t care less. “I am technically your boss.”

She snorted. “Not for long,” she said bitterly.

His eyes flicked back and forth between her and Kylo. “Am I missing something?”

Rey sighed. “I’m going to quit,” she announced. “As soon as the holidays are over.”

Luke looked at Kylo. “You don’t seem upset.”

“I quit too,” Kylo said. “This morning,” he added, into the sudden silence.

Han grinned. Leia looked like she was fighting back tears. Chewie made a noise that sounded like approval.

And Luke looked like a kid on, well, Christmas morning. “I can finally use Plan Theta,” he whispered.

Kylo looked at Rey, who shrugged. “Do I want to know?”

“The engineering department has been preparing for this day,” he said dreamily. “Now we destroy Coruscant from the inside.”

“Is that legal?” Rey asked curiously.

Luke shrugged. “It’s legal enough.”

“Yes. Well.” Kylo cleared his throat. “When you’re done with that, I have a business proposition for you.”

He flushed as all eyes turned to him. “There’s an idea I’ve had for a while. Snoke thought it was garbage, but, well – I’m thinking maybe now is the time to see if I can make something of it. And to do that, I’m going to need help.”

 

They ended up talking for another two hours. Then Leia broke out the board games, and Kylo watched with a mix of pride and horror as his maybe-hopefully-girlfriend and his father teamed up to kick everyone’s asses.

Rey was hot when she got excited, even when she was getting excited about something as dumb as board games. Also, he hoped she didn’t start having cosy family chats with his father, it was bad enough that she was friendly with Leia.

As the evening drew to a close, Kylo realized that for once in his life, he wasn’t counting the minutes until Christmas was over.

He couldn’t have been less surprised when his parents pushed them to stay the night. What was a surprise was Rey’s enthusiasm for the idea.

It did have a certain appeal, he thought, as he followed her up the stairs, trying not to stare too blatantly at her ass. This way, he didn’t have to sit through a whole plane ride before he could touch her again.

The moment he walked through the bedroom door, she dragged him down for a kiss. “Hey,” she said, smiling, as they broke apart.

“Hey yourself,” he managed. She smiled and went to sit on the bed, while he stayed where he was, waiting for his brain to unscramble.

“So, do I have to call you ‘boss’ now?”

Rey would be working with him on his new initiative. The idea of her job being dependent on his success was more than a little terrifying. On the other hand, it was way better than the idea of her being stuck working for that sick fuck Snoke.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about seeing her every day. The being with her all day part would be great. On the other hand, being with her, while being forced to be on appropriate workplace behavior…

She had better not call him “boss.” He’d be done for.

 “Not at the office,” he said.

She smiled, a smile that was happy and shy and sexy all at once, and did strange things to his insides.

“Was it a good Christmas?” he asked.

“Was it – Kylo. This was the best Christmas.”

“You’re not just saying that?” She didn’t answer. “Because we could do something else,” he said, getting nervous. “Like – shit, do you usually go to church or something? Or… I think we have some of those little calendars with the doors somewhere in the attic.”

By the time he finished, she was shaking. It took him a moment to realize she was laughing at him.

“I just… don’t really know what I’m doing here,” he said, feeling himself blush to the tips of his ears.

She looked at him, her laughter under control, her eyes still sparkling. “There is one more thing I’d like to do, actually.”

“Anything.”

She blushed lightly. “I’m just not sure how you feel about doing it in what I assume is your childhood bedroom.”

“Actually, this is the second-best guest room – wait.” His brain shorted out. “Are you suggesting we have sex in my old bedroom?”

“Well, just the sex part, but – “

He leaned in to kiss her before she could finish. “Fuck yes,” he said, when they finally broke apart. “That is how I feel about it.” As if his past self would have been upset at the thought. Awkward, angry teenage Ben would have been over the moon if he had known that his future self would find a woman this amazing.

She smiled. “Good.” She kissed him again, and he swore he felt fucking sparks. “This really has been an excellent Christmas,” she murmured.

Kylo completely agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably post a brief epilogue at some point.


	13. Epilogue

“Should we get a Christmas gift for Hux?”

Kylo nearly spit out his coffee. “Should we what??”

“Get a gift for Hux,” Rey said, as if what she’d said had been completely normal. He looked at her, concerned. She looked clear-minded enough as she leaned over the counter, carefully checking her holiday preparation lists. He didn’t see any evidence of a head injury.

She also looked beautiful. Not for the first time, he found himself hit by a sudden wave of awe that she was with him, that this compassionate, intelligent woman had somehow managed to put up with him for almost a year. Had somehow managed to love him.

A year ago today, he’d been moping because Snoke wanted to send him back to Crystal Pines. And he’d been furious because he was going with Rey, the woman from engineering he was not-so-secretly more than a little interested in.

He stood and came to stand behind her, lifting her hair gently off her neck and replacing it with his mouth. Because he could. He watched in satisfaction as her cheeks flushed. “Don’t distract me,” she chided him, but her heart wasn’t in it.

“Hmm. Right. Christmas presents.” He put his hands on her hips, drawing her closer, and rested his head on her shoulder. “Very important.”

“We wouldn’t be together if not for Hux,” she said, leaning into him and covering his hands with her own. “He’s the one who insisted I go with you to Crystal Pines, don’t forget.”

“Hmm.” It was getting harder to follow the train of conversation. “I’ll keep his head attached to his shoulders,” Kylo decided.

She turned to him, frowning. “That’s what you got him last year.”

He shrugged. “It’s a classic.”

She turned back to her list. Half of the names were already checked off, he saw, but that left a good twenty to go.

“Maybe we can get him a framed picture of the Dow quarterly,” he suggested. “So he can remember how Alliance crushed his dreams.”

Rey sighed, and crossed “Hux (?)” off the list.

He flicked his eyes over the rest of the list. “Alcohol for Chewie,” he told her. “And for Maz. And for Jyn, unless you’d rather buy her a knife. But she’s picky about her knives.”

“I have a present for Jyn already,” she said. “I’m giving her a prototype of the folding fish spear I made for Luke.”

Huh. “She’ll love that,” he said slowly. “Just – make sure it can’t be traced back to us, OK?”

She gave him a bright smile over her shoulder. “Already done.”

He took a minute to read the second list in her hand, the one titled “To Buy.” “Sweetheart, when are you going to find the time to buy all that stuff?”

She turned, pulling his hands as she did so that he stumbled forward, pinning her between his body and the counter. The position gave him all sorts of interesting ideas even before she wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him in for a kiss that was warm and wet and perfect.

He was half hard by the time she pulled away, giving him another bright smile. “We.”

“We what?” He could think of plenty of things he’d like the two of them to do, but he had a sinking feeling none of them were what she was talking about.

“ _We_ are going to find the time to buy all that stuff. Today. At the mall.”

He groaned. “Every part of that idea sounds terrible.”

She pulled him down for another kiss. He kissed her back – of course, he was only human – but he was on to her tricks. A few kisses weren’t going to so completely change his mood that he would willingly face the mall. Nothing was worth going to the mall.

She pulled back slightly, just enough that he could see her face, and gave him another smile. This one was slow and sweet and understanding. “It’s OK if you don’t come,” she said. “I know you don’t like shopping.”

He knew she meant it, too. He sighed. _Damn it_. “Of course I’ll take you, sweetheart,” he said, running his fingers down her cheek. “Otherwise who’s going to keep you supplied with that minty coffee you like?”

“You’re the best, you know,” she said, pulling him closer, and OK, maybe some things were worth going to the mall for.

 

Over the past year, Kylo had learned a lot of things. How to control his temper (mostly). How to win his employees’ respect in a positive way (it helped to think “what would Snoke do?” and then do the exact opposite). How to speak to his parents as an adult, almost as equals.

How to be in a relationship. He’d had a lot to learn when it came to that one. Like, it turned out he had to tell Rey what he was feeling, even when it was bad. Disagreeing was OK, as long as he wasn’t an asshole about it. And when she was struggling sometimes she just wanted someone to listen, without offering to disembowel whoever had dared to upset her.

It had been quite an enlightening year. He liked to think he was doing pretty well. That he was treating people more or less the way they deserved to be treated (except maybe for Rey, who deserved the galaxy. He just gave her whatever he could, and hoped that somehow it would be enough).

But the mall. The mall took all of the patience and kindness and respect he’d worked so hard to build, and stretched it to the fucking limit.

Around the time that he pictured himself knocking a particularly rude shopper’s teeth down his throat, Kylo realized it might be time for a break (but seriously? Who the fuck cut in line like that? The guy needed to be taught a lesson. And he didn’t really need that many teeth). After a quick word to Rey, he took off, looking for a place a little farther removed from the rest of humanity.

He ended up sitting on a freezing-cold bench off of a side exit, where he took a few minutes to just breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth, just like Luke had taught him, and if there was any one sign that things were desperate, it was him resorting to listening to Luke.

After a while, a thin man in a Santa suit approached him. “Got a light?” he asked, smiling.

Kylo did. If he did say so himself, he had just about the best, most durable lighter known to mankind – part of the line of cheap, durable survival and rescue gear that Rey and Luke had talked him into adding to Alliance’s products.

Their main product line was still in manufacture, although the small robots that could perform a variety of household tasks were increasingly popular.

“You look familiar,” he found himself saying, as the Santa took a drag. There was something surreal about seeing Santa standing behind a mall smoking a cigarette, his bright red clothing hanging off his skinny frame. But there was also something bizarrely right about it. If Santa were real, Kylo thought, this is what he would look like.

The other man just gave him a knowing smile. “How are the holidays going?”

“Good, and yours?”

The man shrugged. “Can’t complain. You doing anything special this year?”

Kylo felt a ridiculous grin spread across his face. Yes, he was doing something special this year. While Rey had been planning her gift list, he had been preparing a Christmas surprise of his own. One that involved a 10-foot-tall tree, hand-crafted ornaments, and his grandmother Amidala’s engagement ring.

He was strangely not nervous about the thought of proposing. He loved Rey, and she loved him. They could work out anything else.

“I hope so,” he said.

Santa’s mouth curved in what might almost have been a smile. “Anything you want to wish for?”

Kylo’s eyes narrowed. Something about this situation was just so familiar. He felt like he had been here before.

He chalked it up to déjà vu. All that time breathing Starbucks peppermint fumes seemed to have done a number on his brain.

“I think I’m good, thanks,” he told Santa with a smile. He stood, brushing the creases out of his coat. “Merry Christmas.”

And he made his way back inside, back to Rey.


End file.
